Zivia on the cheap.

My girlfriend Tina really likes drinking Zivia, which is a zero calorie root beer. Lately the store has been out of stock some weeks so I am constantly on the lookout for the beverage when I am out shopping.

Last week all they had left was a 6 pack that was missing one can. I searched for the missing can but it had disappeared.

My bargain sense began tingling. I assumed they would discount the cans by 1/6th or 16.6% at a minimum but there was a chance for an even larger discount if I played my cards right. 

One nice thing about my local grocery store is that the employees are empowered to make deals and discounts on the spot right at the register if it's under a certain dollar amount. 

I began to profile the cashiers. Who was likely to give me the deepest discount? Was it the guy with the beard? He might identify with me since I also have a beard. Was it the nice old lady? I could tell her it's gift for my girlfriend. Was it the Teen with a vape dangling around his neck? He probably doesn't care about anything but he also might not want to make the decision and call a manager over. The manager would be the worst since he would have to go by the book.

I took a chance on the teen. I was banking on his obvious apathy. The opportunity to stick it to the man in a minor way might inspire him to really cut the price. I put the cans on the conveyor belt and began my pitch. I decided I could be more persuasive if I spoke to him in his language.

"Yo bro. My bae really heart emojis dis root beer ya feel me? Deez da only 5 cans left up in dis ma. Can ya slice me a dolla dolla drop down fam?"  

His response was swift and decisive. 

"Bet."

Which I later learned means affirmative.

Instead of the 1/6 off I was expecting which would have saved me a cool $1.03, he gave me half off. that means two free cans and $3.10 off. 

Tina was thrilled that I brought home her coveted cans. she also politely listened as I triumphantly regaled her with the tale of my haggling acumen.

Fridge Failure.

We had another ice storm here in Austin. The 2nd serious winter weather event since I've lived here. Should have learned my lesson from the last one and set some emergency water and food aside. My emergency rations consisted of a case of canned garbanzo beans I purchased during the pandemic. 

Tuesday and Wednesday were easy. My events were canceled so I stayed home. This gave me time to catch up on some reading, exercise and finish my online safe driving school. 

Thursday the power went out.  

I immediately began worrying about my groceries in the fridge. I had spent $50 at HEB just 2 days ago. Some of the food was uncooked and uncookable since the power was out. Specifically my family sized package of pork chops. I wasn't just going to eat $9 worth of pork chops by tossing them and I couldn't actually eat them since they were uncooked. 

The coffee machine was also down in the recreation room. Luckily I have a stash of emergency coffee. I pulled out my red french press and began a batch of cold brew. Knowing the coffee would be ready in 16-24 hours put me at ease.

 My phone was at 68% so I knew that would last until morning. Then I realized the signal was super weak. The WiFi was down so I could hardly send or receive text messages. My Instagram feed wouldn't even refresh.

By walking outside I could begin my research into how long my pork chops would be safe to eat. The first 20 links on Google all said 4 hours was the limit for meat in a fridge without power. They had already been sitting for 6 hours. Time was running out. 

A link on the 3rd page of results that said food would be safe in the freezer for up to 48 hours in a full freezer or 24 hours in a half full freezer. I transferred the pork chops to the freezer along with some ice I had picked up from the recreation room in my building. Things weren't looking good when I grabbed a pint of ice cream from the freezer which was completely melted. 

The next day the power came on around 8am and I had a decision to make. Had my pork chops made it safely through the night or was I about to throw away $9? They looked fine. They smelled fine. I decided I would do an experiment. I would cook them a little longer than normal to kill any extra bacteria then just eat a little piece. If nothing happened then I would eat the rest. I cooked them at 425 for 30 minutes.

I paired my experimental pork chop sample with some rice and beans and a large glass of cold brew coffee. After an hour, I felt fine so I ate an entire pork chop to see what happened. No ill effects as of this writing. 

There is a reason I've had food poisoning 3 times. If you asked any person if they would pay $9 to not get food poising they would all say yes, especially people that have already experienced it. My brain looks at that deal and says lets roll the dice. Even after Google confirmed I shouldn't do it I kept searching to find information that would confirm what I wanted to be true. I willfully ignored contrary information and put my health at risk to "save" $9 which I already spent either way. My interest in saving money created my very own unique confirmation bias. 

Even after writing this, I'm planning on eating the rest of those pork chops. My motivational driver that says don't waste money is overriding other parts of my decision making processes. 

I don't have a solution to this obvious thinking error I'm experiencing. Maybe simply recognizing it is happening will help.   

Next ice storm I'll be ready with Water jugs, spare batteries and canned pork chops that won't go bad, or more likely I'll simply do nothing and assume it won't happen again. Wishful thinking is feels good.

Barely Legal Tender.

I found a badly damaged mashed up penny. This penny was scraped up and mangled. Partially folded in half. Much of the copper had been sheared off so the nickle core was visible. Of course I picked it up. 

Had I picked up a piece of garbage or money? Clearly it was a standard penny at one time. I heard that if you have 51% of a damaged bill it is still considered valid currency. 

A business can refuse to take any form of payment but banks can exchange damaged bills for regular bills. They send them to the federal reserve to be taken out of circulation. My theory was this would also apply to damaged coins.   

My plan was to take this damaged penny to my Credit Union and see if they would exchange it for an undamaged penny. If they wouldn't do that then maybe they would deposit 1 cent into my checking account. 

I went to my Credit Union with a check to deposit for a trivia show. Then they would know I was a member which might increase my odds of success. 

I presented my check to the teller along with my ID and debit card. The check was deposited without any complications. Then the clerk looked my in the eye and asked if I had anything else I needed to take care of. I made my move. 

Yes, there is one more thing. I found this penny on the ground. I set the penny on the window so the clerk could inspect it. I would like to exchange this damaged penny for a new penny or possibly deposit it into my account. She blushed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry sir. We cannot accept any currency that won't go through the coin sorting machine" the clerk said worthlessly.

Then I asked if there was anywhere else in town that would accept the coin or exchange it? She did not know. Then she asked me if there had anything else I needed taken care of. This was a very polite way of telling me to stop wasting her time. If only she knew wasting time was my profession.

On the way out I saw they were having a members appreciation day. They put out a table of cookies, pastries and small sodas. I may not have been able to solve my coin conundrum but I did pick up two chocolate chip cookies and a tiny sprite, for free.

I thought maybe the Credit Union wouldn't take it because they were a smaller bank. It's possible that Chase Bank would take it. As a bigger bank, they have more resources. 

Things didn't look good at Chase either. There was a big sign right by the teller talking about the national coin shortage and how it could effect coin transactions. 

The teller basically told me the same thing as my credit union. We cannot accept mutilated or damaged coins. I have no idea where you should take it. Is there anything else I can help you with? Maybe finding your way back to the parking lot?

I laughed, The teller laughed, my girlfriend laughed and said I told you so. Even thought I wasn't able to resolve my coin concern I didn't walk away empty handed. I picked up some free trivia pens from my new unofficial sponsor, Chase Bank. 

After being rejected by both my Credit Union and Chase I decided to see what google had to say about who might be able to help. Apparently if you have damaged bills that the bank will not accept, you can send them into to the US Bureau of engraving and printing. If you have damaged coins, you can send them to the US mint for evaluation and replacement. 

This is a free service provided by the government. Unfortunately they do not pay for shipping. So I, the tax payer, would have to fork out the money for postage and an envelope. Then there is a chance they will decide the coin is not worth anything and they won't send back a new penny or it's equivalent melt down value. It also seems that people don't send single coins unless they are collectors items filled with valuable metal.

There is an application process. The US Mint has the right to refuse any returns for any reason. There is a section on bent coins that states it will accept bent coins if the denomination can be determined from the coin. I think mine meets that requirement. They also said that due to the large volume of submissions there could be considerable wait times.

It would be great to know if I was wasting everyone's time or just my own before I sent out my coin. Luckily, the US mint provided an email address: MutilatedCoin@usmint.treas.gov. 

I sent them an email describing the coin and also the picture above entitled bent penny. 

I figured it would take a few business days before the Mint could return my request. Unfortunately during this time I thought it would be funny to make an Instagram reel of me putting the bent penny into a self checkout at the grocery store. I thought the machine would spit it back out but it never returned the coin. I continued filming for a couple of minutes but nothing happened. I considered asking the person running the machines to retrieve the bent coin but there was a chance I had broken the machine with my impulsiveness. I thought it was wiser to skedaddle.

In the end it might be a good thing to be rid of the bent penny. I would have continued to fool around with it until I had wasted a considerable amount of time. Hopefully the US mint isn't too disappointed that I will not be able to send in the damaged coin even if they do approve it for replacement.  

It's still unknown if the bent coin was worth anything. Next time I see one lying there in the road I'll attempt to resist the temptation to bend over and pull it into my life. There are so many other things I need to waste time on. 

Fees

Everywhere I turn there are more fees. The internet was supposed to make things cheaper. Now it's an excuse to tack on anonymous fees. If you don't like it feel free to call the 24 hour customer service where no one will pick up the phone. 

I went to buy movie tickets for the first time since the pandemic. $12 a person now. I don't like that but fine. I selected 2 tickets for the new Dr. Strange movie. I selected the seats. $24 plus tax. Then I see another line that says $3.50 for a convenience fee. WHAT! No. I'm doing literally all the work and now you want me to pay more. This should be cheaper than buying the tickets in person because you don't have an employee who needs to stand there and touch the computer with their greasy finger to get me my wildly over priced ticket. Go to hell. 

I saw a line under the fee that said if I join the Movie Club I can have the fee waived. So you can make more money off my personal information. GFYS. I already have to sit through an hour of previews which are now just commercials, then actual commercials, then product placement during the movie. The theater isn't making enough money off $9 popcorn? They need to get into the selling my personal information business too?

I walked to the theater and purchased the tickets the old fashioned way. On Foot with cash so they couldn't track my spending for their stupid data mining operation. The clerk asked me if I wanted to join the movie club. I declined. My girlfriend asked I wanted to buy us some popcorn. I declined. We could have stayed home and watched the streaming service from the public library for free but even I know that wont qualify as proper date night. 

The movie ticket incident was still burning me the next day so I decided to declare a Jihad on all fees. My next target was Chase bank. They have begun charging me $12 a month for the privilege of using my checking account. When I signed up for the account it was free. Then one day my account was converted from a free checking account to something called the Chase Freedom Checking Account. No one asked me if I wanted to change accounts. Apparently freedom costs $12 a month.

I called the customer service line and navigated the intricate phone tree. There were no options presented to reach a human. I had to look it up on google and found a site called Get to Human which will walk you thought the fastest way to get to a human. In this case press zero or mash your key pad in a blinding rage.

Once the customer service agent was reluctantly brought to my line, I explained that I do not wish to pay $12 a month for my checking account. I would like to switch to a free account like I have at the credit union. I was informed that all the free checking accounts have been eliminated, but there were options for having the fees waved. 

Option 1 was to carry a balance of $5000. If I had $5000 laying around I would pay back my growing credit card debt. The next option was to have a $1500 average monthly balance. Again, still poor. I have other places my money needs to go like rent, car payment and In & Out Burger. Finally I was told if my employer would direct deposit my checks that would also wave the fee. Good thing I'm self employed and get paid by check. 

She then asked me if I needed anything else. Implying nothing could be done about the situation. A bold maneuver until I told her If you can't remove the fees to close my account. I was told WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, hold on a minute, I'll remove the fees for the last 2 months. I was instantly returned $24 dollars of fees. Cementing in my mind that the fees were complete horse shit. At least the movie tickets were paid for. Minus the tax. I will be canceling this account as soon as I pay off my Chase Credit cards. Until them I'll be calling every month to get the fees waived.

When I moved out of my apartment there was a line that said $75 for administration fee. I called to argue and no one picked up the phone. Looks like the administration isn't doing their job so give my back my $75 you dirty jackals. 

All this fee bullshit drives me insane and no one can be bothered. Just the price of doing business? Maybe but I'm still pissed. 

I found a way to make peace with the situation. Every time this happens I get online and write a scathing google review. Sometimes as much as 5 pages or ranting angry nonsense. I know that this will not change anything but it is cathartic. I've currently reviewed every single Chase branch and ATM in town along with all the movie theaters from that chain and my former apartment building 3 times. Try it sometime. It doesn't cost a dime and is certainly much healthier than unloading on some poor customer service agent who couldn't care less anyway. Some of my reviews have received over 5000 views. Businesses have asked my to take them down and I always say I will. For a fee.  

Phone Upgrade?

This whole country is resistant to saving money. Every time I try there are obstacles. Many of which only exist to extract more money or create frustration that will encourage me to pay for future solutions. Companies know that if they add some friction to make it a little bit difficult to save money then people will spend to make the problem go away. 

I am not a typical consumer. I'm not even a typical human. I am willing to expend time and effort to save money. To the point of absurdity. It's a combination of stubbornness and righteous indignation. Often times something could be done cheaper but they aren't which makes me angry. I also have way more time and effort available than money. Often this combination of personality traits leads me into trouble. I do not learn.

I decided it was time to upgrade my phone. My trusty Samsung S7 still works. The issue is that I have been making video comedy sketches for Instagram. The phone overheats quickly while filming. Sometimes the audio gets cut for no reason. I don't mind re-filming scenes or fixing errors when I'm the only person involved. When I invite others I don't want to waste their time with faulty equipment. 

I purchased my S7 on Amazon back in 2019 for $164. New it retailed for $670. So I saved about $500. I used the phone for almost 3 years so I spent the equivalent $4.55 a month. Straight Talk is my phone carrier. I pay $55 a month for unlimited mobile data and also 10 gigs of mobile Hot Spot access. I use my mobile hot spot to get online with my laptop instead of having an internet connection in my apartment. Google keeps emailing me that my apartment is ready to have google fiber installed, I keep telling them I get my entertainment from the Public Library.

After doing research I found the Samsung S10 was at a price point I liked. $240 for a refurbished (used) phone on Amazon v.s. the original retail of $899. This would be a significant upgrade. 128 gig v.s. 32 gig hard drive.  8 gigs v.s. 4 gigs of Ram. The screen is also slightly longer. Most importantly the front and back cameras are much better.

Now I just had to figure out a way to pay for it. Lucky for me I received a $50 Amazon gift card from my mom at Christmas time. I received a $10 amazon gift card from RBCFU Credit Union for being a loyal customer. For my birthday I received another $50 gift card from my mom and a $50 prepaid visa gift card from my girlfriend's niece's mother in law, which I of course converted into $50 Amazon gift card. It only took 4 months but I had accumulated $160 in Amazon credits. 

I then took all the loose change I found by taking walks to the bank and deposited $19.31 into my checking account. I charged the remaining $80 to my credit card with the lowest interest rate. I used the coin money to pay back a portion of this charge right away. I was able to not only receive free shipping but also a free month of Amazon prime which I will cancel in 30 days. The phone arrived in a few days.

I was feeling confident. Cocky even. Everything was going to plan. Pride comes before the fall. 

All I needed now was to take the Sim Card out of my old phone, put it into my new phone and fire it up. I used to work at Verizon so this was something I did multiple times a day. Couldn't be easier. What a fool I was. 

After swapping out the Sim Card I restarted the phone. It was unable to find the mobile carrier network. Multiple attempts later, it was still not working. I would need to log onto my Straight Talk account and input some information to make the swap. No problem. 

It was a huge problem. After combing through pages of account information and searching for advice from the web I attempted to call Straight Talk customer service. After navigating an extensive phone tree designed to break your spirit, I was able to be put in line to speak to a customer service representative. I was number 47 in line and my expected wait time was 2 hours and 10 minutes. Nope, click. It's almost like they don't want to help at all. Almost. 

You'd think the discount carrier would want to retain their customers like any other but they know why you're their customer in the first place. They're the cheapest. Good customer service costs the company money. I was on my own. I worked at a store that sold cell phones and I still couldn't figure it out. I don't know what chance other people would have to get it figured out at this point. 

I was able to contact a "human" through an online chat tech support feature on the website. I explained  I had purchased a new phone and needed to swap out the Sim Cards. They said this was impossible, even though I had done this exact same thing to upgrade my S5 to my S7 through straight talk. The "human" said I would need to buy a new Sim Card. Fine. They were only $0.99. 

I wanted to use my new used phone now. I could order a Sim Card from the Straight Talk website or I could drive to the nearest Walmart and pick one up. They were listed at the same price of $0.99 on Google and I figured I could save on shipping. The price of gas is nearing $4.00 a gallon but it was less than a mile away. 

Most Walmart employees are not exactly knowledgeable about products or helpful in any way. When I arrived in the electronics department a gentleman came right over and walked me to the Straight Talk area. I explained my problem about needing to swap the Sim Cards over, which is slightly technical and he even knew what I was talking about! What kind of magic Walmart had I walked into? 

Unfortunately this Walmart did not sell Sim Cards for $0.99. I could buy a Sim Card that came with an activation plan. Only $55 dollars which would apparently roll into my current plan. I told the gentleman that I was on auto pay. 

Then he asked to see my new phone. I proudly showed him my newly purchased Samsung S10. He complemented me on my shrewd purchase and asked if I had considered switching carriers. He told me I could get AT&T service for $50 dollars a month. This Walmart employee sure seemed to know a lot about phones. That's about the time I got suspicious. 

I looked him over more closely. He had a Samsung lanyard around his neck. He was wearing a black polo and not a blue Walmart polo. He had a nice clean cut appearance with a tasteful watch. This was no Walmart employee, this was a phone salesman working inside a Walmart. 

He then proceeded to tell me I could get a free new phone by switching to AT&T. That I could trade in my old phone and then have two phones. Why in gods name he thinks I would need two phones is beyond me. Oh wait, he needs a commission. He'd sell me 8 phones right not if I let him. 

He started back into his sales pitch for AT&T but I quickly started coughing loudly and walking away as fast as my flip flops would carry me. He began to follow me but I said I was going to order a Sim Card online. 

I arrived home and ordered the $0.99 Sim Card from the Straight Talk website.

I should have looked more carefully because there is no shipping charge. Whoops. They said 3-5 day shipping but then there is a asterisks**. They're having high demand for Sim cards so there could be a delay. 

Best case scenario, a Straight Talk employee saw my order immediately flash across their screen and they jumped up from their computer, ran to the warehouse, scooped up a fresh Sim Card, placed a printed mailing address onto an envelope and rushed off the the post office to get me my $0.99 + $0.08 in sales tax Sim Card as soon as possible. Good thing I had it shipped to my girlfriend's place because my mailbox is still broken.

It's more likely the robots that fill the envelopes have become sentient and are on strike for more humane treatment. If the Sim Card is being shipped from outside the United States I may as well assume it isn't coming.

 In conclusion, I have a new discounted phone that I may or may not be able to use soon. Why doesn't everyone do this? 

What did I learn? Nothing. 

Will I do it again? Yes. 

Is there something wrong with my brain? Yes.

Light bulb goes on.

While driving a car next to me made the signal to roll down my window. They yelled "You have no break lights." I backed up to a window and checked. Sure enough, only the tiny light in the middle was activating. 

My Kia Soul eats light bulbs. It seems like I'm changing a light bulb once a month. The headlights cost almost $100 with parts and labor. Luckily the rear bulbs only cost around $25 to have installed.

I am hesitant to do any car repairs myself. I'm also broke right now because of past car repair bills that are sitting on a couple of credit cards. The idea of dumping more money into a car that pushed me into debt makes me want set things on fire but driving without brake lights is idiotic. Great way to get a ticket. People here already drive aggressively here and having no break lights is an invitation to be rear ended.

How hard is it to change a break light bulb? I had no idea so I turned to YouTube for answers. Turns out it's about the most basic repair one could hope for. The guy in the video swapped them out in about 4 minutes with just a screwdriver. 

After cruising down to Auto Zone, I parked near the three other guys who were working on their vehicles in the parking lot. I figured if I ran into trouble, maybe one of the other amateur mechanics could give me a hand. After identifying the burnt out bulb I removed the entire brake light from the back of the car and pulled out the bulb. 

The clerk in the store looked up the bulb on her computer and took me over to select the correct one. To my untrained eye, they looked a bit different but she assured me it was the correct bulb and would fit. After telling me about how many bulbs I had lost in the last few months, she gave me a packet of bulb grease on the house. Pretty great. Two bulbs for about $7. 

Worked like a charm. It took me about 10 minutes to replace both bulbs after leaving the store. I probably will not attempt any thing more complicated when it comes to repairs in the future but this one worked out. It was simple and satisfying to do it myself. The downside would have been me driving the two bulbs to a shop and having someone install the bulbs so not a huge risk. Either way, crisis averted. 

 

Microphone Stand Innovation.

 I have been hosting an open mic comedy night the last 6 weeks. Part of the deal is that I bring my own microphone and stand. As the host I am paid $50 per event minus any drinks consumed. Usually that brings my take home pay to $35. More of a hobby than a real job but it's still nice to get paid something for the effort. 

The mic goes from 6pm till 2am. Other comics are baffled that I am interested in hosting it at all. For only $50. I view it as a was to gain more exposure and work on my ability to write one liners.

Last week I had a new comic take the stage for the first time. He had a suit case full of musical parts. He said he would be playing a comedic version of the clarinet. Since this was an open mic, I told him to proceed. 

He needed to lower the mic so it would pick up the music. Instead he snapped my microphone stand in half. Whoops. You would think a musician would know how to operate a microphone stand. Maybe that was part of the joke. I was certainly not laughing.

I was a bit pissed off because now the remaining comics would have to set the microphone on a stool. This increased the chances of it falling on the pavement and being damaged too. The offending "comic" said he was sorry he broke the stand and then ran off into the night. 

I had spend $50 to purchase this mic stand at guitar center. I wasn't looking forward to buying another. 

As I picked up the broken pieces my mind began to wander. Maybe it would be better to get a long 2x4 and attach the mic to that for these animals. Unfortunately, that would be a pain to lug around in my tiny car.

Then I considered good old duck tape. The problem there is that the stand would then only be semi functional. Every performer is a different height so I need the stand to remain adjustable. 

When I arrived home I took another look at the broken pieces. I realized that the adjustable arm and the telescoping arm were exactly the same part. I decided that I could dismantle the stand, switch the broken arm for the other arm and then remove a few excess parts. Then the telescoping function would still work.  

After about an hour of tinkering I reassembled my new and improved microphone stand. Lighter, simpler and at no additional financial cost. It has all the functions I need for open mic comedy. Now if the participants would just write some jokes we could have a great show.

I am very proud of my Microphone stand innovation. So proud that I created a meme to commemorate the event. It feels good to figure things out. Saving money is also a nice bonus. I'll test it out at the open mic this week and we'll see what happens. If it breaks again I'll try something else. Either way it was a fun project.

 

Discount Transport.

My check engine light began blinking. Google said that is very bad. Took my car in for a $1,150 repair of the catalytic converter and rear O2 sensor. The car is still in the shop. 

That same night I wanted to go perform stand up comedy at two different open mics. The first one I had signed up for in advance. The cost of a ride share was around $30. After spending all that money on another repair I didn't like that idea. 

Why not take the bus? I literally had all day. There are 4 bus stops a three minute walk from my apartment because I live in a classy part of town. The cost is only $1.25.

I google mapped out a route. Three minute walk to the #3 line. Then a one and a half hour ride north followed by a 4 minute walk to the bar. Same bus the entire time. Seemed almost too easy. 

Inside my backpack I placed some essentials. Two books, note pad for jokes, a pen, thermos of water, thermos of coffee, phone charger, iPod. It was also getting cold so I packed a hat, gloves and neck warmer. I put on my new vest and hiking shoes and departed for comedy glory. 

As I was walking to the bus stop I saw the #3 bus pulling through the intersection. Missed it by about 2 minutes. No matter. Another would be by in 30 minutes. I contemplated returning to my apartment to wait but decided to stand at the stop and watch the cars go by. I had a Vaporwave music mix called "Downtown Sparkles" playing so I was in a good mood. 

The bus arrived and I put my 5 quarters into the slot. Social distancing was in effect on the bus so everyone had to wear a mask. Half the seats were blocked off and everyone sat as far apart as possible. I pulled out my book and started reading. It was about 4:30pm and the mic stared at 6:30pm. 

We were nearing my destination so I pulled the cord. I missed my stop somehow. The bus driver was trying to tell me how to get back to where I needed to go on a different bus but I was too pissed off to listen. The mic started in 30 minutes and I didn't want to be late. 

I whipped out my trusty google map. I was 1.6 miles away by foot. Estimated time, 28 minutes. I started walking briskly in the direction of the bar.

Made it with 5 minutes to spare. Guess I'm a fast walker. It was nice to take a break and wait for my set. Since I saved so much money on the bus ride I thought I'd treat myself to a beer. 

I asked my friend Patrick who was also the host if I could make a special announcement. If anyone was going to the Lucky Duck open mic after this I would love to catch a ride since I came on the bus. He laughed because he thought I was telling him a joke. Then he laughed harder when he found out it was the truth. "You never tell jokes," he said "you just talk about funny things that actually happen to you." How true. 

I did my comedy set which went well. At the end I asked the crowd if anyone was heading to the next mic and I could catch a ride. My friend Spencer volunteered right away. 

We had a nice chat about comedy on the way over and he gave me a few suggestions on how I could tighten up my act. I got a lot out of our conversation. It can be hard to give people honest feedback about their performance and it was pleasant to have a conversion with a comedy colleague about technique. 

The list at the second mic was long. 60 some comics had signed up for 3 minute sets. The show started at 8pm and I was up near the end, around midnight. 

This presented a problem. The bus stops running around midnight which is about the time I would be performing. I was closer to my apartment then the other mic but it was still far. After mapping it out it was about a 7.6 mile walk which would take about 2.5 hours.

Again, I had options. I could ask for another ride. I could get hail a ride share. I thought I'll see how I felt when my second set was over. 

My set went well. I had fun and got off the stage. By this time the bar had pretty much emptied out. I didn't want to ask for a ride from someone I didn't know. Maybe it was the beer. Maybe I was still mad about my broken car. Maybe I'm just an idiot. 

I decided to walk back.  

It was midnight when I left the bar. I started walking. I arrived back at my place around 2:45 am. I am pretty sore today. 

I had plenty of time to reflect on my behavior during that walk. Why don't I like to ask for help? It would have been a minor inconvenience to just ask one of the other comics for a ride. I decided to suffer needlessly instead. Why? To punish myself? I can't figure it out. 

I rely on my car so much. Every time it breaks I feel like a huge failure. It puts my ability to earn money in jeopardy and threatens my feeling of usefulness. It really gets me. Being in debt bothers me too. Just when I think I'm on top of it I get another large car repair bill. They are connected since the delivery job is causing me to go into debt and ruin my car.

Why can't I walk away from my delivery job? It has put me into debt. I don't make much money. The IRS is after me for irregularities in my income. I know the job is dumb but I keep doing it. It doesn't serve me. It gave me the illusion of freedom in the beginning but now I am going to be a slave to my debt for a while. More deliveries will just bring on more debt. My life would be so much easier if I went out and found a traditional job but something is holding me back. What?

Maybe another long walk is needed before I can figure it out and make a change.

Free Trial Trap.

The free trial is an insidious business practice. Try us for a month free with no obligation. Be sure to read the fine print. These agreements usually come with an auto renew "feature". 

A friend of mine sent me a groupon offer. One year of Mad Magazine for $5. Cheap. Sign me up. Then I  looked through the fine print. They want $1 as a processing fee. Fine. Now it's $6 a year. Still a steal. 

What they don't make obvious is that you also signed up for an auto renewal of your subscription at full price. Which starts in October. 8 months into the subscription. No normal person is thinking about renewing their subscription 2/3rds of the way into it. That's how they get you.

I am offered a free subscription to Amazon prime every 4 or 5 months. Free shipping is the best. It also auto subscribes to prime at the end of your trial period. How convenient, for Amazon. That's how they get you. 

I signed up for a Chase United Explorer credit card. They gave me a two free flights and the first year with no fees. Then they want $95 a year to keep the card open. I don't use the card anymore but I don't want to cancel it because that will effect my credit score. That's how they get you. 

All these transactions have one thing in common. They prey on natural human laziness. They give you something free and then collect their payment later when you aren't paying attention. Even if people can remember they need to cancel it they may not know how or have the energy to do so.   

I have a simple system to get the free stuff and not pay in the end. The moment I sign up for a free trial I pull up my google calendar and make a note to cancel the service.

Once you get into this habit it becomes easy. Just today I received a notification, "cancel credit card". I remembered the bitter feeling I experienced when I paid the $95 fee that credit card around this time last year. I made a note on my calendar which I acted on today.

It was easy to have the fee removed. I called the number on the back of the card and told them I needed them to either remove the fee or cancel the card. The customer service agent was happy to switch my card to another no fee card with the same credit limit as before. Saving me $95 a year and preserving my current credit ratio. 

This also moves the worry about remembering out of your mind. This part of my memory is now automated. Let your phone worry about it for you. I'll get a notification to cancel my Mad Magazine subscription in October. Thanks google.

The things that are easy to to are easy not to do. With this system you can have all the advantages up front and not pay later unless you want to, not because you forgot.

Discount Chicken.

Cooking is a creative outlet I enjoy. I seek out novel food items then attempt to make them at home. It saves money while providing tasty variety in my day. When I see something unusual my mind begins to plan how I will make it myself.

During a delivery a customer ordered chicken livers and chicken gizzards. Then they asked for gizzards only if possible. What part of the chicken is a gizzard? As a seasoned trivia host, I was embarrassed that I had no idea. Apparently, the gizzard is a muscle on stomach of the chicken. They use for grinding during digestion. This person wanted to eat 12 of these.  

Maybe they know something I don't. It sounds weird and gross but further research said that the chicken gizzard is a very healthy part of the chicken. Not only high in protein and low in fat but also contains important vitamins such as B-12, Iron and zinc. I was sold so I went of and bought a package of chicken gizzards at the grocery store. Like most unusual animal parts, these were not very expensive. only $1.44 a pound. Cheap Cheep.

I decided the best way to prepare them would be in the cast iron skillet. I baked the gizzards with a sliced onion and some Cajun seasoning at 350 degrees for a half hour. When I pulled them out, they didn't look done so I put them in for another half hour. An hour in total. 

They were a disaster. I bit into my first gizzard and it was unpleasant. It did not taste like chicken at all. More like beef. Beef flavored chewing gum would have been an decent description. They were not good. I briefly considered throwing them directly into the trash. Then the savings region of my brain kicked in. That would be like throwing $2 on the ground. I wrestled back and forth internally. These were not edible in their current condition, but don't waste them. What to do?

They were too tough to be considered a food product. I decided to compromise. I would put the gizzards into the instant pot and slow cook them for 8 hours. If after that they were still inedible, I would throw them out. My various brain regions agreed that this was a wise course of action.

I went about my day and came back in the evening with pretty low expectations for my chicken gizzard experiment. I bit into my first gizzard and it was surprisingly good. Still not what I would consider chicken but more like a cut of sirloin. I bit into a second one and almost cracked a tooth. There was a piece of bone or something in that one. After deciding to chew more carefully, I put some in a bowl with a bit of hot sauce and had a pleasant dinner.  

Often my way of gauging a food project is, would I make it again on purpose? I think I would. I wouldn't make it for company because it would be just a bit too unusual for most people but I could see slicing the gizzards up thin and putting them on some spicy tacos on a bed of shredded cabbage. 

Cheaper than going to a movie and much more interesting. I now have more knowledge about chicken anatomy than yesterday which also expands my ability to write trivia questions effectively.  

Winner winner, chicken diner? Sort of.

Passing the Bucks.

The solution to debt is obviously more debt. Early this month it became apparent that I would not be able to keep up with my current debt load without incurring interest. My delivery work has slowed a bit but really the problem is the amount I owe is too high. I burned through 80% of my savings trying to keep up but the debt has been persistent. 

I have a few options at my disposal. I have the Interest Free Loan Idea and the Return Loan Idea which have worked fine up until now. I could have decided to take some money out of my IRA. I have regretted doing this in the past and consider it a final resort.  I could also ask members of my family for a small loan. They wouldn't mind but I'd like to save that type of favor for a crisis, not an inconvenience. This debt feels more like an annoyance. 

Luckily for me during all the crazy events of 2020 I have been able to maintain a stable credit score. I'm hovering around 729. I check my score once a week on Nerd Wallet. www.nerdwallet.com. They list different credit card offers that you can qualify for based on your current credit score. I opened a section called 0% APR balance transfer cards. 

There are different types of transfer cards. Make sure you read the fine print. I signed up for a card from Citi Bank. The offer was a no fee card. If you transfer a balance, there will be no interest charged for the first 18 months. The cost is a 3% transfer fee. I qualified for a $3,600 credit limit after I was approved for the card. 

I transferred $3,000 from a couple of cards I have at Chase Bank. The total cost of doing this was $90. So for that $90 I have a year and a half to repay this debt. What they don't make obvious is that if you do not pay the full amount in the period, they charge you for all the interest for the entire year and a half at a rate of 20%. Gulp.

I essentially converted my short term high interest debt into long term no interest debt (minus fee). I will have to pay at a minimum $172 a month to service this debt.  

Why would the bank do this? Interest rates are at all time lows. They want the $90. Statistically a certain number of people will default on this and be forced to pay the huge pile of back interest which is also free money for the bank assuming they get paid some day. 

This is a reasonable solution to my debt problem in the mid term. I need to start looking into the future and ask myself: Why am I having these debt problems? This debt can be tied directly to my delivery job. 100% of the money I owe currently is from massive car repairs. Now that the car is fixed I can pay for the repair, by further breaking my car. 

My initial plan to address this negative cycle was to auto deposit $50 a week into a savings account for repairs. Turns out that amount is not enough. 

I enjoy my delivery job. I like the flexibility, the freedom and the autonomy. The problem is I can't just be sending all my pay to the auto repair shop. 

 I was also recently popped by the IRS for "Irregularities in my income" which is also a problem tied directly to my work as a delivery driver. I'll be able to sort that problem out by it wouldn't exist if I had a more traditional income. 

I have to face facts. It's time to find a different source of income. These problems are going to continue as long as I continue as a delivery driver. There must be some job out there that has all the freedom, flexibility and autonomy I want but doesn't slowly grind my car into dust. I just need to use my imagination. It would be challenging to spend less money. I need to begin making more. 

Free Parking Map.

I despise paying for parking. Most people feel the same. I grew up in a small town were free parking was everywhere. Here in Austin it is easy to find free parking, until you venture downtown. I avoid going downtown when I can because of the parking cost. It feels like wasting money. 

The problem is, I have started purusing stand up comedy. Many of the comedy open mics are downtown. It is too far to reasonably walk from my tiny studio apartment. The bus could take me there but that is not free either and too time consuming. Obviously at the level of complete amateur comedian these shows do not pay. I have been going to 6-8 open mics a week. I usually buy one or two over priced drinks. If between parking and drinking I spend $20 per show that's between $120-$160 a week spent on my comedy habit. Too much. 

To cut costs in the drinking department I have begun to pregame a bit before each show. The problem with this is I have to drive my car to the show. Instead of drinking 2 beers and then driving to a venue I pour a tall boy into a thermos which I place in the trunk of my Kia Soul. When I arrive at the venue I do a quick discrete chug.

I have identified a few places to park for free just by driving around. There was a free strip of parking over by the grave yard on east 7th but the city just put up meters. Dastardly. There is a free strip of parking up by a church on east 4th street and another on east 10th.

Another complication is the neighborhoods around the downtown area don't want industrious individuals like myself parking in front of their houses. There are required resident parking stickers for certain areas. You can find a spot in a non-resident area a short walk from downtown.

It would be nice if someone created an unofficial free parking map for the area around downtown Austin. After doing a search I could find no such list. I have decided to make one using google maps. That way when a new open mic springs up in the future I will have a lead on a free parking space. 

How will I gather the data? I know of a few places I can mark on the map already. I have the data for where and when the open mics are so I put that on the map as blue dots. Then I marked the free parking spots I already know in green. Now I can map out distance and walking time between them.

 

It will take a lot of leg work to identify more viable free parking spots. I cannot think of an easy way to gather this data except to explore the area on foot. When I identify a free parking space I will make a note to add it to the map. I wouldn't want to walk more than 20 minutes because of time concerns. I can use the data points I have already created to see if new spots are worth adding to the database. 

The ideal time to locate a new parking space would be after a show. I can take a different way back and see if there are any free spots on the way. Then I will not feel rushed or be so focused on trying to remember my comedy material.

When a new open mic springs up I can add it to the list too. Then see which parking spots are the closest.

Link to the unofficial free parking map:

https://www.google.com/maps/d/edit?mid=1WIY7GOWOHCP-VRmHXkKcRHPE0wwpdrV5&usp=sharing

Happy future free parking to you!

Intrest Free Loan 2: A bad idea.

 I came upon this idea purely by accident. 

My car would not start one morning. I fired up YouTube to diagnose the problem since I know nothing about cars. After watching a few videos I determined that the starter needed to be replaced. Unfortunately it was Sunday so all the repair shops were closed. 

My former roommate recommended a friend who runs a mobile auto repair service. I texted him that I would like to have my starter replaced. He said he might be able to do it the following day. I told him I would walk to the nearest auto zone and buy a starter so he could install it right away the next day. 

At Auto Zone, they told me that they would have to have the part delivered from another store. Which would arrive tomorrow since it was still Sunday. I charged the $300 part to my credit card and walked home happy knowing I had taken some action. 

The next day when I woke up and the mobile mechanic said he couldn't make it. I called a tow truck instead. A truck arrived an hour later. He asked me if he could try starting the car. It started right up. Whoops. I paid the $45 service fee and drove to the nearest shop before it had a chance to die again. 

I told the mechanic that the starter was not working but he wanted to test it. Turns out it was the battery. Whoops. I paid the shop $38 dollars and drove over to Auto Zone to buy a battery. A tiny woman took out my old battery and installed a new one. The final emasculation. I was able to return my starter for a full refund placed back onto my credit card. 

The interesting thing about this was that when the refund processed a few days later I received the amount back on my card but it also reduced my outstanding balance for the month. This credit came back on my card as a payment. Effectively kicking the cost of my starter into next month. I began to wonder if this strategy could be used in the future to delay paying back a portion of my credit cards and therefore maintain an interest free loan on that amount. 

I was pretty excited about the concept so I posted a long explanation on Reddit.com in the r/frugal group. The blow back was swift. Almost 100% negative. The post was taken down after a few days by the moderators but the comments can still be viewed at with this link. 

https://www.reddit.com/r/Frugal/comments/j3b95l/no_intrest_loan_idea/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3 

The general consensus was that this was at the least an irresponsible way to manage your money and at worst possibly fraudulent. That I was spending outside my means. Normal rhetoric of the alt-frugal camp. I tried to explain that I was a true believer in the frugal lifestyle. That these were special circumstances. I was drowned out by the digital mob.    

After taking their views into account I decided to try it anyway. I would buy an item around the $500 dollar range and return it a few days later. My first step was to find a company with a very loose return policy. The Apple store has a no questions asked 14 day return policy. That sounded good so I drove up to the mall. My plan was to buy an Apple watch. If the sales person questioned me about it I would say it was a gift. 

At the Apple store I was turned away. There was a big sign that said by appointment only. I asked the person standing up front if I could make an appointment. She said it must be done online and that it might take a week to secure an opening. This was a problem. I would need to make an appointment to buy the item and then another to return the item. It was possible that they wouldn't even have any appointments available during the 14 day return period. Dejected, I walked back to my car.  

I took a look at Targets return policy. It was complicated and stated that you may receive store credit. Not a great option because I didn't want to end up with the item. Finally I settled on Walmart. They have a very generous 90 day full refund return policy. 

I decided to look for a kitchen appliance. My thinking was that in the event they will not give me a refund it is something I would use in the future since I enjoy cooking. I picked up this mixer for about $410 with tax. My plan was to wait a few days until the charge clears on my card and then go return it.

After waiting 2 days I returned to the Walmart where I had purchased the mixer to return it. This was in the morning so luckily I did not have to wait in line. I told the clerk that I wanted to make a return and handed her the receipt. She asked me if anything was wrong with the item. I told her that I had not opened the box. She ended up flipping the box over to verify that the mixer was still inside and had not been replaced with heavy rocks. After she was satisfied she issued me my refund. 

 Success! The credit showed up on my card a few days later in full. It also successfully pushed that amount onto the next billing cycle. 

 Upon reflection, this was probably not a very smart thing to do. While technically not illegal in any way it certainly falls into a grey area. My bank could decide that they don't like it and cancel my lines of credit. I've spent the last 4 or 5 years building up my credit. Being flagged for something borderline fraudulent would not be great. In the future I need to take the advice of the friendly digital Reddit mob. Build up an emergency fund so that when the unexpected does happen I have money available to cover it. That and never let your car break down.

Intrest Free Loan.

 No one likes large unexpected expenses. Recently I had two unexpected car repairs in a single month. One for $2,700 and the other for $500. Not fun. Pulling $3,200 out of thin air can be a problem on short notice.

I could have just taken money out of my emergency fund. I auto-deposit $100 a week into a savings account which has built up to about $3,000 for this type of thing. This felt like more of an inconvenience than an emergency so I put it on one of my credit cards. 

Luckily I have good credit. My score is hovering around 730. I have access to about $25,000 in credit  limits. The problem is these cards have high rates averaging near 18%. Putting this bill on the credit card means I have a month and change to come up with the money before I start incurring interest. Thus far I have paid all my credit cards in full each month and avoided any interest payments. This keeps my borrowing expenses low. 

Instead of paying interest I created a system where my gig job doing deliveries unknowingly extends me an interest free loan. I came up with the idea after reading about how Warren Buffet uses float in his insurance businesses. Float is money that is paid in as premiums on insurance policies and is later paid out for claims. The company can do whatever they want with the money before it needs to pay claims. If they are smart they invest it.

My system is simple. I have a gig job where I deliver food. The company I deliver for has a unique feature where I as the driver pay for all the deliveries with a debit card issued by the company. I submit a picture of the receipt and the customer is charged for the item and a delivery fee.   

Sometimes drivers lose their cards. So they added an option to pay with your own card. This feature allows the driver to pay for items themselves however they choose and the company turns around and pays out a cash reimbursement. I exploit this feature to generate cash flow to pay down my credit cards. 

I like to think of it like a debt snake that is eating it's own tail. Once my credit card locks in an amount for the month, I can charge more money on that card which will not be locked in until the following month. Then I pay for all my customers purchases up to the amount of the outstanding balance. When the company issues me a cash reimbursement I turn around and pay off my current month's balance. 

With this method I can extend the amount of time I can carry a balance indefinitely without paying interest. This does not reduce the balance, just the amount of time I now have to pay off my outstanding balance. As a bonus I get points on my card which I can also use to pay down the balance. Usually around $40 bucks a month so nothing to get excited about but still free money.

Now instead of scrambling to come up with the cash, I can pay off the repairs in a leisurely manner. I slowly shrink my debt snake over time using the income from doing deliveries. Each month I will need to charge a smaller amount of customer items to cover the remaining balance.

This system has a few potential pit falls. The cash flow I earn from deliveries and charging customer items will stop abruptly if my car needs another expensive repair. If my car goes down for an extended period I will be in a pinch. Also my credit score tends to drop when I happen to have a higher credit utilization rate than normal. My company could figure out what I'm doing and prevent me from doing it in the future for some reason. Other than that the whole thing feels pretty slick. 

Unexpected expenses are a part of life. Access to credit and some savings cannot prevent bad things from happening but will certainly smooth out the impact. At least financially. There is a lot of freedom in not having to worry about money. By putting a few systems in place you can spend your valuable time on more important things.

Hummus Manufacturing.

Hummus is delicious but a bit expensive for my taste. I started to wonder. Why don't people make their own at home? Why don't I make it at home? Garbanzo beans are cheap. How hard can it be? Turns out it's not that hard but there are plenty of upfront expenses to make that first batch. If you are only going to make one batch, forget about it. 

Online I reviewed some recipes. Each one emphasized the need for a food processor. They stressed it was essential to making it the right consistency. I was planning to mash it into a bowl with a spoon like an animal but apparently that is bad form. I asked my girlfriend if she already had one by chance I could borrow. She did not. I asked if she knew anyone who had one that she could borrow and that I could then borrow from her. Again, she did not. Looks like I would need to buy one. 

I searched around until I found this reasonably priced model. It was $30. The cost of my discount hummus was adding up quickly. It also slices and shreds things so hopefully I can get some extra utility to offset the cost.

 

 

I already had most of the other ingredients at home. dry Garbanzo Beans, Lemon Juice, Minced Garlic, Salt, Spices, Olive Oil. All I would need was the Tahini. This presented a problem. I went to the store and the shelves were bare. I went to 3 different stores and it was all the same thing, no Tahini. I asked a manager if there was more Tahini in the back or if they would be getting some soon. His response, "What's Tahini?" I thanked him for his time and briskly walked out.

Finally, I called a 4th store and they carried it. It was even in stock. The "Foodie" as they are called at this store even walked back to the aisles to confirm that yes, they had plenty.  It was at a more upscale grocery store that is basically a clone of Whole Foods. That meant the Tahini would be of the organic farm to table hand crafted fair trade variety. Which all translates as more expensive. There were two options available. Both were $7 a jar. I decided to buy both since I had spent so much time running around town. One was a Greek style Tahini and the other was made from smoked seeds so they would each have a distinct flavor. 

 

 

I had everything together and began putting it all into the food processor. I didn't realize how loud the food processor is so next time I'll be using it during the day instead of at 11 pm as a courtesy to my neighbors. It was easy and I had made about three standard hummus containers worth (12 oz) of homemade hummus. If I had decided to buy that much hummus at the store it would have cost around $12. I had spent close to $60 to put all the ingredients and equipment together. Then if you factor in all the time. I spent an hour researching hummus recipes. I spent an hour looking at various food processors. I cooked a bag of dry garbanzo beans in my Instant Pot which took another hour. I spent 4 hours driving around town searching for Tahini. I spent 20 minutes actually making the hummus. Also consider, there was no guarantee that I would get it right the first time. I have some experience cooking but am in no way a chef so I could have screwed something up and had to throw out the entire ruined batch.

From a purely economic perspective this is not an economically efficient activity. This graph shows the cost of each batch, which I worked out to be about $1.51 in materials. Then I amortized the cost of the food processor across all the batches to get a cost per batch estimate. Turns out I'll be breaking even around the 11 batch point. After that each batch I produce will be cheaper to produce at home as long as you don't include my labor costs. If you did it would push out the BEB (Break Even Batch) out further. Clearly making hummus at home isn't in the best interest of the average person.

 

Of course there are other non-economic reasons to do things. I enjoy cooking and it is a creative outlet that I enjoy. For me this brings in additional entertainment utility that helps offset some of the cost. I was proud to share some of my homemade hummus with my girlfriend. There is also the benefit of tailoring the product to my taste. Maybe the wider consumer market doesn't like as much garlic as I do so I couldn't buy a heavy garlic version of my favorite hummus because it simply isn't made. Not everyone has the time either. Luckily I do. 

 

Turned out pretty good. Ten batches to go.

 

 

Refrigerated.

While doing research for trivia I needed to find out if it cost less in electricity if your refrigerator is full. There are two main ways to save money with your refrigerator. The first is to open the door as little as possible. Every time you open the door to take a look you are spilling nickels on the floor. This makes me wonder why they don't have a clear door like at the supermarket. Then you could look in before you open it up. Now I get everything out of the refrigerator all at once and then put it all back at once so that I am reducing the amount of time the door is open.

Turns out it is also cheaper to maintain the temperature in the refrigerator if there is less empty space. The article refereed to the food items acting as thermal ballast. Once the item is brought down to the temperature of the refrigerator then it helps maintain that temperature. They stated that each time you add an item there would be a cost to cool it but then it will help prevent future fluctuation.

I live alone so I am the only one using an entire family sized refrigerator. Look at all this empty space. I probably spent a fifty cent piece to take this photo.

I could just pack it up with a months worth of food but I like to go shopping every couple of days so my food is fresher. To prevent the expense of food waste I like to buy only what I think I can eat in a few days and then eat all of it. The more you try to buy ahead the more likely things will go bad or you just don't feel like eating it before it does. I could also freeze more things. The covid-19 has made me modify this practice a little bit. I now have a supply of canned and dry food in my pantry but the level of ready food in my refrigerator has remained about constant.

I decided the solution is to fill the empty space up with containers of water. I don't want to go out and buy money saving water containers because that would defeat the purpose of saving money. There were a few bags I had laying around the house that could be filled with water and used for making ice in the freezer. 

That bag of water will soon transform into a money saving block of ice. I will continue to fill up the freezer with such bags but leave enough room for my frozen food. In the refrigerator I am going to collect some jugs and fill those up with water too. Probably not a bad idea to have some extra water handy.

For the first time in years I cannot wait to open up my utility bill next month and see how much of a difference this will make.