Going out to eat can easily put me in a bad mood. I derive abundant personal satisfaction from cooking the majority of my meals but occasionally I am coerced into visiting a restaurant. Fast causal is a compromise I prefer because the food is usually reasonably priced and the staff is paid an hourly wage so they are not expecting a tip.
When I reluctantly enter any restaurant my plan is to attempt to spend no more than $10. To my dismay, that dream is usually utter fantasy. The servers see me coming a mile away. They have dark, devious ways of dealing with Mr. cheapskate that involve social pressure, public shaming or negative body language as a way to embarrass me into spending more. Little do they know that they are dealing with a seasoned master of the frugal arts and sciences.
The rules of the game are simple. The server wants to maximize the bill to ensure a greater tip and I want to spend $10. We proceed to engage in a delicate dance of cunning. In the opening gambit our server will ask about drinks and appetizers. I quickly reveal my hand by ordering a water. Usually the server will counter with a statement that they will bring waters around for everyone but still wants to know what I would like to drink. This is clever, for if the other members of my party order drinks it is made to seem that everyone is getting something and become the odd man out. The implications is that I cannot afford a drink. Hence there is strong social pressure to appear at least as affluent as the other diners.
Next up is the main course. The server has my number at this point and will try to shame me further by taking everyone's order with great enthusiasm and then quietly asking me if I would like to order something off the kids menu. This attempted emasculation is an effective way to force the hand of many patrons. I resist and order a sandwich or burger off the big boys menu.
Finally it is time to pay the bill. Unless the server used a racial slur or farted directly on my food while I was watching, it's pretty hard to escape leaving a tip. I took a trip to Thailand last winter and it was wonderful because there they do not expect a tip. I tried not tipping at restaurants here in America for about a month but I eventually caved in to our cultural norms. Now my objective is to leave a tip that just large enough that the server is not insulted. Since I have greatly reduced their expectations throughout the meal, I find that $2 is the magic number.
This is about how it goes every time I eat out. The entire experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Savoring the flavor of savings tends to lift my mood and could be the main reason why I take such joy in cooking for myself.
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Monday, March 13, 2017
Lunch money
At age 14 I obtained a summer job working for a grocery store. Mostly it was mind numbing tedium but having a little money to spend on illegal fireworks was pleasant. I pretty much screwed around and did menial work that older employees were too cool for. Oddly, they were very strict about us taking proper lunch breaks. Possibly they were worried about violating child labor again so we were forced to take an hour lunch break every day. I would have preferred to work straight through and leave an hour earlier but they were not amenable to that idea.
During this hour I would ride my bike over to a local sandwich shop since I did not have enough time to go home for lunch . They sold gigantic subs with a drink for about 10 dollars. It quickly became a midday tradition and my sandwich expenses started piling up. I started to figure out that a large portion of my pay was going right into that sandwich shop each day. At that time I was making $5.15 an hour. After taxes we will call that $4.50 just to make it easier to calculate. After working 25 hours a week I would bring home $112.5 per week. The problem was, I was working 4 days a week which meant taking 4 mandatory lunch breaks at $10 each. That's $40 a week or 36% of my weekly income.
My lunch expense is a slightly smaller portion of my income today but the lesson has always stuck with me. Now I bring my lunch in almost everyday. I have found that the best strategy is to cook up a couple large batches of something you really like on Sunday night and then store it in Tupperware containers. I especially like kielbasa and sauerkraut since it makes my farts quite a bit louder. That way when you are in a rush to get out the door in the morning you have something appealing to grab. Don't worry about napkins, you can wipe your face with all the 100 dollar bills you didn't spend on Taco Bell.
During this hour I would ride my bike over to a local sandwich shop since I did not have enough time to go home for lunch . They sold gigantic subs with a drink for about 10 dollars. It quickly became a midday tradition and my sandwich expenses started piling up. I started to figure out that a large portion of my pay was going right into that sandwich shop each day. At that time I was making $5.15 an hour. After taxes we will call that $4.50 just to make it easier to calculate. After working 25 hours a week I would bring home $112.5 per week. The problem was, I was working 4 days a week which meant taking 4 mandatory lunch breaks at $10 each. That's $40 a week or 36% of my weekly income.
My lunch expense is a slightly smaller portion of my income today but the lesson has always stuck with me. Now I bring my lunch in almost everyday. I have found that the best strategy is to cook up a couple large batches of something you really like on Sunday night and then store it in Tupperware containers. I especially like kielbasa and sauerkraut since it makes my farts quite a bit louder. That way when you are in a rush to get out the door in the morning you have something appealing to grab. Don't worry about napkins, you can wipe your face with all the 100 dollar bills you didn't spend on Taco Bell.
Sunday, March 5, 2017
Beer Festival
This weekend there was a Micro-brew and Music festival. I cannot turn around without another beer festival just waiting to pounce on my innocent wallet. General admission was $25 per person which included two drink tokens that entitled the holder to about 8oz of sweet sweet beer. Barely enough to get the take the dust off my tongue. Drink tickets cost $3 each or two for $5. Each ticket was worth a half pint of beer, so figure you are paying $5 a pint. Hungry? No outside food allowed but for 2 drink tickets you can get a snack from a local food truck.
As the costs racked up in my head I estimated that it would cost between $60 and $75 to have a good time. I considered not going but could not stand the idea of drunk single women going through an entire beer festival without being indiscriminately hooted and hollered at by yours truly. Instead of giving into despair, I did a little research.
On the festival's web page there was a link to sign up as a volunteer. There were all sorts of different tasks available which would grant free admission. I signed up to work the brewers hospitality tent since I assumed they would have access to the most beer. Possibly all the beer. Maybe even the most delicious type of beer ever produced, free beer. I was not disappointed.
When I arrived at the hospitality tent the women in charge was a bit stressed out with all the preparations so I got right to work helping set up. Our main charge was to ensure that all the food on display was hot and ready to eat. I once worked as a banquet waiter so it was really easy to set up the line and make everything presentable. After that our only responsibility was to ensure that everything stayed stocked. This gave me plenty of free time to wander around the festival searching for that special someone. The brewers even provided kegs of beer for the tent so I drank for free too.
In exchange for a small amount of my time I ended up getting to enjoy the festival for free. I was able to meet some cool people and even do a little networking. I did have to go buy some throat lozenges the next day. Probably from all the Hollering. There are plenty of upcoming festivals this summer and I plan to deploy this strategy again while I continue to let my wallet rest easy.
As the costs racked up in my head I estimated that it would cost between $60 and $75 to have a good time. I considered not going but could not stand the idea of drunk single women going through an entire beer festival without being indiscriminately hooted and hollered at by yours truly. Instead of giving into despair, I did a little research.
On the festival's web page there was a link to sign up as a volunteer. There were all sorts of different tasks available which would grant free admission. I signed up to work the brewers hospitality tent since I assumed they would have access to the most beer. Possibly all the beer. Maybe even the most delicious type of beer ever produced, free beer. I was not disappointed.
When I arrived at the hospitality tent the women in charge was a bit stressed out with all the preparations so I got right to work helping set up. Our main charge was to ensure that all the food on display was hot and ready to eat. I once worked as a banquet waiter so it was really easy to set up the line and make everything presentable. After that our only responsibility was to ensure that everything stayed stocked. This gave me plenty of free time to wander around the festival searching for that special someone. The brewers even provided kegs of beer for the tent so I drank for free too.
In exchange for a small amount of my time I ended up getting to enjoy the festival for free. I was able to meet some cool people and even do a little networking. I did have to go buy some throat lozenges the next day. Probably from all the Hollering. There are plenty of upcoming festivals this summer and I plan to deploy this strategy again while I continue to let my wallet rest easy.
Thursday, March 2, 2017
Dumpster Pizza
What could be better that a nice slice of pizza? That sounds suggestive, let me start again. What would you rather slide into your hungry mouth than a fat slice of pizza? Dang it. The answer is free pizza you degenerates. Look what the internet has done to my mind.
My friend who we'll call Lohn Jions fancied himself a pretty sharp salesman. He hails from what he refers to as the dirty south and had a thick drawl. I decided to put his skills to the test.
There was a Little Caesars Pizza down the block. I began telling Lohn that he was a piss poor excuse for a salesman and that I bet he couldn't even get us some free pizza. I may have also made some strong insinuations about his sexual orientation. Now that he was properly motivated, I laid out my plan. We drove to the Little Caesars right as it was about to close.
If you have heard of Little Caesars Pizza then you are acquainted with their flagship product, the HOT and READY. These Pizza's are made in advance and are available for purchase with no notice. Genuineness personified. The only thing smarter would be getting one for free.
Before he went in I explained to Lohn that they must have plenty of those HOT and READY pizza's that they throw out at the end of the evening. Why can't they just give them to us instead of wasting them? He told me that my mom was hot and ready then proceeded to enter the store. I did not hear the conversation since I stayed outside and let him work his magic.
About 5 min later Lohn came out and we walked around to the back door. The manager exited with eight full boxes of pizza which he proceeded to set next to the dumpster. I had to eat a lot of humble pie that week and refer to Lohn as a master salesman from then on.
Total cost: $0 and one stomachache, each day for a week.
My friend who we'll call Lohn Jions fancied himself a pretty sharp salesman. He hails from what he refers to as the dirty south and had a thick drawl. I decided to put his skills to the test.
There was a Little Caesars Pizza down the block. I began telling Lohn that he was a piss poor excuse for a salesman and that I bet he couldn't even get us some free pizza. I may have also made some strong insinuations about his sexual orientation. Now that he was properly motivated, I laid out my plan. We drove to the Little Caesars right as it was about to close.
If you have heard of Little Caesars Pizza then you are acquainted with their flagship product, the HOT and READY. These Pizza's are made in advance and are available for purchase with no notice. Genuineness personified. The only thing smarter would be getting one for free.
Before he went in I explained to Lohn that they must have plenty of those HOT and READY pizza's that they throw out at the end of the evening. Why can't they just give them to us instead of wasting them? He told me that my mom was hot and ready then proceeded to enter the store. I did not hear the conversation since I stayed outside and let him work his magic.
About 5 min later Lohn came out and we walked around to the back door. The manager exited with eight full boxes of pizza which he proceeded to set next to the dumpster. I had to eat a lot of humble pie that week and refer to Lohn as a master salesman from then on.
Total cost: $0 and one stomachache, each day for a week.
Wednesday, March 1, 2017
Lifty Sandwich
As I eluded to in earlier posts, I once worked as a lift operator at an upscale ski resort. I considered this job to be more of a working vacation than a career path. Time that was not spent working or skiing was utilized hanging out in bars. Other liftys spent their free time and money in a similar fashion. This constant partying cut into the grocery budget quite a bit.
No matter how cheap a person strives to be, you still have to eat. That is until the day that someone figures out how upload our brains to the internet. One day a lift operator of great industry and vision came up with a solution. No one knows if this person of myth and legend really existed, but the stories live on in the hushed whispers of hungry liftys who stand in awe of his genius.
It is called the Lifty Sandwich. If you find yourself dining on this particular food stuff, I recommended taking a serious personal inventory to try and decide how you screwed up so bad. The recipe is very simple but not paying for any of the ingredients can be considered morally ambiguous at best. Find any restaurant that serves soup. Tell the server that you have low blood sugar and that you need a couple of packets of Saltine Crackers otherwise you might have a seizure. They will give as many packets as you can carry to avoid a lawsuit.
Next, go down to your local fast food chain. They must serve french fries as you are looking for some ketchup packets. Shamelessly flirt with who ever is working behind the counter. Man, Woman, other, doesn't matter. After about 5 min of this they will non-verbally indicate that it's time to leave or possibly slip you their number depending on the situation. On the way out, fill your pockets with Ketchup packets. Put the Ketchup on a cracker and then place another cracker on top. Tastes just like a hotdog with just a pinch of regret.
No matter how cheap a person strives to be, you still have to eat. That is until the day that someone figures out how upload our brains to the internet. One day a lift operator of great industry and vision came up with a solution. No one knows if this person of myth and legend really existed, but the stories live on in the hushed whispers of hungry liftys who stand in awe of his genius.
It is called the Lifty Sandwich. If you find yourself dining on this particular food stuff, I recommended taking a serious personal inventory to try and decide how you screwed up so bad. The recipe is very simple but not paying for any of the ingredients can be considered morally ambiguous at best. Find any restaurant that serves soup. Tell the server that you have low blood sugar and that you need a couple of packets of Saltine Crackers otherwise you might have a seizure. They will give as many packets as you can carry to avoid a lawsuit.
Next, go down to your local fast food chain. They must serve french fries as you are looking for some ketchup packets. Shamelessly flirt with who ever is working behind the counter. Man, Woman, other, doesn't matter. After about 5 min of this they will non-verbally indicate that it's time to leave or possibly slip you their number depending on the situation. On the way out, fill your pockets with Ketchup packets. Put the Ketchup on a cracker and then place another cracker on top. Tastes just like a hotdog with just a pinch of regret.
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