Repurposed Auto Accessories.

I drive an old Lincoln town car. The drivers side seat is falling apart. I was sweating on it all summer. That and constantly getting in and out of the car has taken its toll. The stitching is starting to fall apart. I was driving around some family members recently and my uncle Mike asked me if a bear had attacked my seat. Normally I am the only one in the car so I never think about it. I decided I needed to do something with that dumpy looking seat.

There were so many possible solutions online. I decided to go look for a simple elegant seat cover. When I arrived at the local AutoZone they had an entire shelf dedicated to seat covers. They all looked like something either a race car driver or someone who wished they could be in the next fast and furious movie would think is cool. They were also designed for bucket seats and I have a huge hybrid bench seat. I asked the clerk were people who have more of a daily driver might go to get a seat cover. He told me that it might be easier to build a time machine, travel back to 1998 and buy one there than to try and find one locally.

Time travel sounded like a good idea so I pulled out my smartphone and typed in Kmart on my google map.

I would have to try the next best thing and headed over to Walmart. They had more of an every man car seat cover selection. It came down to something that can only be described as a seat bib and a net of wooden beads. I decided to try the bib option. It was a little small for my seat but the harness part was made of elastic so I was certain it would fit. Out in the parking lot I put the seat cover on and sat down to see how it felt. One of the elastic straps immediately snapped off. Back to the drawing board. I walked back in and got a full refund. I didn't even need to make up some story about faulty merchandise. They just took it back no questions asked and went back to picking their noses.

I then proceeded to forget the entire thing. Until today.

I went for a swim at the free local pool. They should really call it the Hobo showering area that happens to have a pool attached. Swimming outdoors in December is a treat for me since its snowing in my hometown so I cannot complain too much. I was about halfway through my laps when I got to thinking about my seat again. I need something that I can clean periodically that will fit over the seat. A T-shirt? No, too trashy. How about a sweater? What would I do with the sleeves? I don't know if I was over caffeinated or under oxygenated but an idea hit me like an endorphin taser to the brain.

How about a vest?

I couldn't think of a reason why it wouldn't work so I drove over to the closest Goodwill to find a vest. I found one right away for $5 that I thought would fit around my seat. It had some zippered pockets on the front but I just decided that I could just put it in backwards so that the zippers would not irritate my back. That way people in the back seat could also use the pockets to store some small knickknacks. I suppose I could also put napkins and plastic forks in their too in case anyone needed those. Maybe some tiny roadside flares. 

I was all set to purchase my snappy new vest/seat cover when I saw the line. There was only one flustered looking woman running the cash register. People were giving her a hard time and acting real snippy. One woman came up and asked the clerk if she could be let into the fitting room. The Frazzled clerk said that she would be over there as soon as she could but she had to check everyone else in line out first. After witnessing this I walked over to the clerk and told her that I would let the customer into the fitting room myself if she would loan me the key. I would have preferred to do just about anything other than stand in line.

When I returned to my place in line after letting the woman into the fitting room it was just in time to check out. As I handed my vest and the dressing room key back to the clerk she said "Well what do you know, looks like this item is half off today". She winked at me and we both laughed. We had just colluded to defraud the Goodwill for half the price of my vest. That's what I call a good woman. If I hadn't seen a ring on her finger I would have asked her out right then and there. I should have asked if she had a sister. Something to think about for next time.

Problem solved. 

The Half Cup Maneuver

I spend four or five days a week in coffee shops writing trivia questions. Sitting at home never allows me to concentrate on one specific task. I'll be sitting at the table ready to write when I start thinking about doing a load of laundry or one of my roommates needs a small favor. Distractions are around every corner and I can never get into "production mode". It seems easier to block off a couple hours to focus when I am out of the house and then be done for the day.

Each time I go to a coffee shop I feel obligated to buy something. This is a business and the WIFI doesn't pay for itself. Most places have a drip coffee available which is usually the cheapest item that does not have sugar in it although sometimes the soda costs more than a small coffee.

Each cup of coffee is marginally dirt cheap for the company once they have produced it. Sometimes the cost of the cup is more than the cost of the fluid that goes in it.

Before I developed this strategy I would order a large size cup of coffee since that was the amount I wanted to drink. What a fool I was back then.

I discovered that most places will offer you a refill at a discount. Lets say you ordered a large coffee for $3.50. They might offer a refill for any size coffee for 75 cents. If the small coffee is $2.25 and a refill is .75 cents you can get even more coffee for $3.00.

Then I took my coffee game to the next level.

I created a socially engineered system I call "The Half Cup Maneuver." Instead of ordering a full refill I ask for just a half of a cup. In all of the coffee shops I have encountered, not one has a button on their register for a half a cup of coffee. At this point most baristas will just wave me on and say its on the house. If they do come up with some figure like .30 cents I'll pull out my credit card and hand it to them. I never carry cash. It might actually cost the business more to process my payment than they would make at that point and they usually just tell me not to worry about it.

Through this method my small coffee transforms into a large pretty much everywhere I go. The only additional cost was my dignity which is worthless. Not everyone will feel comfortable using this method since it preys on the fact that the baristas live on their tips and need to be accommodating to retain their jobs. If I save $1 every time I go out that is $5 more per week I can spend on beard wax.

Whether my second cup is half empty or half full is irrelevant, it's free.

Update: I found a way to get a free cup of coffee when I am in a pinch.Walk into your local bank branch. For me this is Chase Bank. Go to the indoor ATM and check your checking account balance. After that walk up to the coffee station and help yourself to a complementary coffee. Not sure if every bank offers this but since they try to copy each other in everything else I assume they do.

Ask for savings.

The savings are out there, you just have to ask.

The faceless corporations we deal with on a daily basis cannot read your mind, although they are working on that. Front line employees who represent these companies have nothing to lose by giving you a deal. Usually they are going to be paid the same hourly wage no matter what. As long as they follow the rules, they are instructed to make the customer as happy as possible. It feels good to hook someone up with a deal and attracting new customers is expensive. It makes business sense to reward loyalty. Being open to the idea that a company will give you a deal is the first step.

I flew back on United Airlines from South America recently. I landed in Chicago in the afternoon and was looking at a 7 hour layover. I had purchased the cheapest ticket possible, hence the obscene layover. After going through customs there was a United customer service desk. Would they be willing to put me on an earlier flight? I've got 7 hours to kill, might as well ask. I cheerfully walked up and asked Jennifer the desk agent (all employees wear name tags and I find that it helps build rapport if you address them by name. Dale Carnegie would agree) if I could be put onto an earlier flight. I had low expectations but I had just finished a book on the science of luck, and I was feeling lucky. She said the word "no" followed by the word "problem". "No problem, we have an empty seat on that same flight leaving in 45 min". She printed me off a new ticket and I was on my way at no additional charge. I was of course very pleased with myself. Jennifer was also happy that she could help me out. I no longer refer to United Airlines as a bunch of scumbags out to molest my wallet. everyone wins.

I have been working out at Planet Fitness for the last couple years. When I moved to Austin, they had a deal where you could sign up for 6 months and pay $15 a month with no contract. If you wanted the $10 a month basic card you had to sign up for a year. At that time I wasn't sure if I would be staying here so I opted for the 6 month deal. I was crushing it on the elliptical one day when a flyer caught my eye. They were having a Halloween themed promotion called "The killer deal". $5 down, $10 a month, no contract. Usually these deals only apply to new members but I was emboldened from the endorphins rampaging through my brain. I walked up to Thad the Planet Fitness clerk and asked if current members could take advantage of the new promotion. He looked bored to tears. The opportunity to do anything other than stare vacantly into space was a real treat for him. After a vigorous rereading of the promotion he was unsure and said he would need to get the manager. The manager looked like he had been roused from a nap and said the magic words, "yeah, whatever." Just like that I was on my way to saving $5 a month on my already dirt cheap gym membership. Now I was really feeling good so I went over and maxed out on the squat rack and had a quiet celebration because I did not want to set off the lunk alarm.

My credit card has also been getting a workout lately. I have not been steeped in all the nuances of using a credit card. My basic strategy has been use the credit card for everything, pay it off before the grace period so there is no interest and somehow this builds credit. To date I have still never paid out any interest or fees. This had been working until I ran up against the concept of credit utilization rate. I did not realize that using a high percentage of your available credit was a bad thing for your credit score. I had a month where I had a high balance which I paid before the grace period but which tanked my credit score 30 points. I was pissed and needed a plan of action. I picked up a book called "I will teach you to be rich" by Ramit Sethi to educate myself on credit. He advises people with credit utilization issues to call up the bank or credit card company and ask for a higher credit limit. This will only work for people who have the discipline to not use all this extra credit. I thought that since my credit score had just dropped my bank would not be interested in extending me more credit but what did I have to lose. I called the number on the back of my card and asked Sam (Customer service agents are usually required to give their name or at least some name during their greeting) to have my credit limit raised. She hit a couple of buttons and almost doubled my credit limit. Super easy. This will also cause my credit score to increase. 

These are examples of times when these requests worked out in my favor. It doesn't work every time. I called up Geico last week and asked for a lower rate on my car insurance and they turned me down. Big deal. I'll shop around this week for a lower rate, call them back and ask them to match it. I find this intellectually challenging and fun. Once you do this a few times you start to see the possibilities everywhere. It's just like Neo seeing the matrix for the first time. 

The saving are out there, you just have to ask.   

 

New address trouble.

A few weeks ago I moved. This means I would need to have my address changed so I could continue to receive mail. Initially I thought, do I even want to receive mail? Its mostly junk advertisements that I end up throwing out. Most of the people I care to have contact me have my phone number or email. Why do I need another flyer from Costco telling me I can save $3 a year on my yearly mayonnaise expenses when I don't even eat mayonnaise? At least online ads attempt to be targeted to my interest, where as junk mail is a complete shot in the dark.

I was going to forget the entire thing until my roommate informed me that she used to work for the post office. She told me that it was free to change your address and could be done easily online. The words "free" and "do not have to stand in line at the post office" had a certain appeal. As a responsible adult who did not want any future Christmas and Birthday checks lost, I decided to take action.

I fired up my Toshiba laptop using the free WIFI at the library and logged onto the USPS website. It was a pretty straight forward process to fill out the forms which took about 3 minutes to complete. Everything went smoothly until the very end. After expending 3 minutes of precious time, the USPS wanted my credit card number. I assumed this was a way to verify my identity but I was mistaken. The dirty jackals that run the post office were demanding that I fork over $1 to change my address. After suppressing a wave of indignant rage, I looked at the fine print. If you filled out the form at a post office it was free, but to make the change online it would cost $1.

Now I was truly at a loss. Was I willing to pack up my computer. Get in my car. Drive to the nearest post office. Wait in line for an unknown length of time. Explain my situation to a postal worker. Fill out a form. Then possibly wait in line again for an unknown amount of time. All for one dollar?

You're Damn right I did.

It was 4pm on a Thursday in downtown Austin. It was grid lock traffic the minute I pulled out of they library. If you have never driven in Austin, try to avoid it between 3:30pm and 7pm if at all possible. My GPS told me that the closest post office was normally 20 minutes away, but because of road construction, it would take 45 minutes. Of course the place would be closing at 5pm.

As I entered the run down building with 15 minutes to spare, there was a short line. No problem, behind the counter there were 4 employees.  Apparently they were all on break because no one was being helped. Eventually it was my turn. I was informed that the form I needed was on the back wall behind the line I had been uselessly waiting in. I opened the packet, filled out the post card and handed it to the clerk. Mission accomplished.

Economists would call my decision to forgo spending the $1 "irrational behavior" and "inefficient". I ended up spending much more than $1 in effort if you consider all the wasted time and stress induced by this process. So why did I do it anyways? I ended up expending more than $1 worth of opportunity costs. Primarily it was because I felt it was unjust. Its the principle of the thing, right?

A few weeks later I received a letter from the USPS. It said: Important information enclosed. I opened this letter and it was FULL OF ADVERTISEMENTS. There must have been 20 different adds, Which means the post office made a profit off my decision to change my address. They also enclosed a letter asking me to verify my new address. If the letter arrived in my mail box, why would I need to verify anything? Its about enough to give me heart burn.

Did I learn anything?

Sadly, No.  

Free Shipping

Everything can be found cheaper online. Free shipping makes it even sweeter. Every time I make a purchase and check out on Amazon they always dangle the offer of free shipping. All you have to do is sign up for a free one month trial of Amazon Prime.

The good people at Amazon know how a subscription model works. They know that a regular Amazon user would love to get a package delivered in 2 days for free. They know it allows customers free streaming video content. They know that most people don't check their credit card statements. After using Prime for a month, who would want to return to the dark ages of waiting 5 days for a Hawaiian shirt to arrive?

At only $12.99 a month, it pays for itself every time you order a 10 gallon jar of spicy pickles since the shipping is free. I might as well do all my shopping on Amazon. They can just push ready made sandwiches through the mail slot so I'll never have to leave the house again. It is a smart business plan. Now every new purchase has to pass the, "can I get it cheaper on Amazon" test.

Instead of conditioning myself to buy everything on Amazon for the rest of my life, I created a money saving scheme for the modern age. It would require a certain level of cunning and discipline but like it says in the good book, the frugal shall reap the savings. 

I have been keeping a list of some things that I need/want to buy for the last few months. Shirts, computer parts, trivia components, books. These items are all much cheaper on Amazon. After placing my first order I signed up for Amazon Prime. After which I noted the date and pulled out my digital calendar. I marked a day a little less than one month from now as "Cancel Amazon prime day". There is no obligation so I will not be charged for the service if I can remain committed to canceling before the end of my month.

I live in Austin so some of the items have arrived the day after I ordered them. It truly is a modern marvel. The funny thing is I have played this little One free month of prime game a couple of times now and they just keep offering it a couple months later. That gives me enough time to build up another list of essentials. They must think they can erode my resolve if I continue to utilize the service. That may work for the majority of their customers but they have rarely tangled with someone who would wear the same underwear for the rest of his life if they would only stop falling apart. 

Free pen taboo

Each week I host live trivia games at local bars and restaurants. Putting on each show is marginally inexpensive since I have already paid for my laptop, speakers, mic and all the other equipment needed to put on a show. My recurring costs are player score sheets, betting slips and pens. To cut costs, my brother and I bought a printer at Walmart for $50 and I can now print off all the paperwork needed.

Pens are the only remaining issue. Each week I put out pens for the players. I put out between 15 and 30 pens depending on how many I have on hand. No matter what number I put out, at least 75% disappear into another dimension and are never seen again. A pack of pens at the dollar store costs $1.06 with tax and I need at least 2.5 packs for each show. This also means that I have to make a special trip to the dollar store every week or so. In the grand scheme this seems like a minor problem but I have multiple shows each week so it is one I would still like to eliminate.

I have attempted to collect the pens after a show but end up with only a few chewed up tubes that no longer resemble writing utensils. I think that the players are getting so excited that they unconsciously need something to to gnaw on. It is also possible that they do not want to miss one second of trivia and put the pens in their mouths to delay a much needed smoke break. Either way the recovery strategy has been a futile effort.

Lots of businesses give away free pens to customers to promote their businesses. Ideally they would like each customer to take one, and only one. They do not want some industrious trivia host walking off with 40 pens after each visit. Driving all over town and getting one free pen from a bunch of businesses would not be time effective or cost effective since I would have to pay my own gas. Just walking into a business and taking a free pen without making a purchase is something you might do once. Over time even the most inept employees will catch on and ask you to stop taking those pens.

The ideal free pen scenario would be a place I already frequent where I would not have to buy anything and I also have a reason to be there so as not to arouse suspicion of vigilant employees. Initially I considered my bank as a possible source but all their pens are chained to the teller stations. Plus I do most of my banking online or at an ATM so I do not frequent the bank enough to fulfill my needs.

Planet Fitness to the rescue again. In the front by the check in station there is a lounge area. There are tables and each one is loaded with at least 50 pens. I have been sticking to a brutal 4-5 weekly visit workout regime. Each time on my way out I grab four pens. They have a staff that constantly rotates shift times so no one has caught on yet and I'm sure that these highly motivated drones could not care less. This also has the added benefit that when I pass them out I tell the players that I only grab one pen on each visit, increasing their belief that I go to the gym a lot. They write in purple but no one seems to mind.

Now I am able to spend that Pen gathering time more effectively on engineering superior puns for my upcoming games. This system is much more dependable than carrying around a bunch of broken pencils, because broken pencils are pointless.        

Clif Bar on the cheap.

It was 3:00 pm and I had a dilemma. I wanted to go the the gym but I was also hungry. Some food needed to go into my body, and something small since it was too early to eat dinner. There is a odd little convenience store across from the Twin Oaks library that sells snacks. After looking around I selected a peanut butter Clif bar and placed it on the counter. Out came my debit card. Before I could open the package and jam the snack in my mouth, the clerk informed me that there was a $5 minimum on all debit card purchases. I almost never carry cash and the thought of spending an additional $3.50 was not appealing. I left without my precious snack.

Down the road there was a Shell gas station. Surely a corporate behemoth the size of Shell would not quibble over a minimum purchase. I placed an identical peanut butter Clif bar on the counter. The clerk was on his phone and could not have cared less. Mission Accomplished, or so I thought. Clif bars cost $2.50 at Shell. It was enough to give me heart burn. Since I was approaching an extreme state of "hanrginess", I paid the absorbent markup and left crestfallen. There had to be a better way. One that would eliminate the bitter taste of price gouging from my mouth.

The wheels in my brain started turning. How hard would it be to make something like a Clif bar at home? After a little research I found out that it really easy. Get on google and type in "DIY Clif Bar". There are thousands of recipes for every type of diet. Want to make a batch of no bake, vegan, gluten free, free range, no preservative, paleo, freegan bars? Someone out there is making a batch right now and cannot wait to tell you all about it.

My criteria were as follows. They needed to be cheap and easy to make. Should be reasonably healthy. Easy to transport so I can keep them in my car. After looking over a few ideas I drove to the local grocery store and bought my ingredients. I used the basic principle that the things I already like to eat would make a good bar. Pretty basic stuff. All the ingredients together cost $8.50.

         
I took all this stuff and mixed it in a bowl. Then I greased up a cookie sheet and poured the mixture onto it. Various recipes recommended that I form a brick by pressing down on the top and sides with a cutting board. I cooked this brick at 325° for 30 minutes. When it was done I put it in the refrigerator to harden a bit. Then I cut the brick into squares. This made 16 Clif sized bars  in two batches which came in at $0.54 per bar. I am going to continue to tweak the recipe but I was very pleased with the results. So is my wallet.

   

  

Tiny towels.

The laundry is like the mail, it just keeps coming. Lucky for me, I only have my own clothes to worry about. I can imagine the washing machine of a small family would have to run day and night. Until someone invents an inexpensive household laundry washing robot that can hang my shirts, I'm probably going to be doing my own laundry for the foreseeable future.

When I was in Thailand on vacation a few years ago I had no idea that it would be a clean laundry paradise. For around $1.50 or 50 bhat I could drop off a bag of laundry at a local black market laundromat. It would be available for pick up the next morning. It was nicely folded and smelled great. Talk about luxury, I truly felt like a prince. If it was that cheap to have my laundry here in America I would never do it myself again. Sadly that is not the case. Did I have any guarantees that I would ever see my clothes again after dropping them off? I did not, but that is what made it exciting. 

I do my laundry every three days. It adds up quickly. I exercise every other day which produces a steady inventory of sweaty gym clothes that I do not want to leave unwashed for too long. I am constantly sweating just walking around in the growing Texas heat so I often change into a dry shirt in the afternoon. I have a mesh bag that I use to hold all the dirty clothes so I can easily see when it is time to do a load.

The problem comes in when I have more than one load to do at a time.

We have a laundry facility in our building that is inexpensive. $1 to wash and $1 to dry. Let us say I have enough laundry that it really will not fit into one load. I would have to spend another $1 to get this partial load cleaned. The dryers are bigger than the washers so I could combine the separate groups into one. On the surface this seems like no big deal but it adds up. That is $3 extra a week and $156 a year. I could just jam the excess clothing into a single load but I am not sure everything would get clean. There are also cameras in the facility so if the machine was to break from overfilling, I would become a prime suspect. Although unlikely, I could be held financially liable which would erase any gains from the overstuffed strategy. I could also just hold back a small portion of laundry for the next wash but then I might end up doing laundry more frequently which would also increase the expense and time commitment.

Then it hit like a chilled pint glass of Sailor Jerry spiced rum. Each time I work out, I need to bring my own towel. In order to keep costs low, Planet Fitness does not provide towels. I was formally bringing in these huge beach towels which I had to wash constantly. I estimated that the two towels alone were taking up about 30% of the space of each load of laundry. Initially I thought about just not bringing a towel at all and just air drying myself. I tried it once but it just took too long. I also felt odd just standing around waiting to dry.

After much brainstorming, research, consultation and consideration an idea formed. I proceeded to my local Walmart (I always buy local) and bought two crisp thin new towels for $6 + tax. These towels were at least a forth of the weight and still long enough to wrap around my waist. I can finally fit all my laundry into a single load. Crisis Averted.

Now I just need to figure out what I am going to do with that theoretical extra $150 each year. Just like the laundry, the problems keep coming. Hopefully I can retain my steady stream of innovative solutions for these pressing issues.

 Someday.

Cheap sunglasses

There is nothing like enjoying a bright sunny day. Texas is blessed with an abundance of sunshine which is nice until you misplace your sunglasses. Taking off my prescription eye glasses and dawning a pair of sunglasses is fine unless I want to drive, play Frisbee golf, look out the window, try and cross a road or basically do anything outside. This was not such a problem in the northern climate where I am from since it was not quite so bright out.

Lucky for me, top scientists have created transition lenses that tint based on the amount of light they are exposed to. This my not seem all that cutting edge to anyone who is accustomed to wearing glasses but I have only started wearing them in the last few years. Science! I decided that I needed to purchase a pair of these glasses. It seems easier then having to carry around multiple pairs of eye wear and even if I did want to do that, no one looks good sporting a fanny pack.

My original prescription glasses cost around $270. I had heard a rumor that people were shopping for things on the internet now. While most fashion conscious individuals and rational humans would never dream of buying something that would be sitting on their face for years site unseen, I found out that I can if the price is right. Who am I trying to impress anyway?

I called up the Sam's Club where I took my last eye test. The clerk told me that my prescription had expired but was happy to give me the specs of my current glasses. Armed with this information I fired up my laptop at the public library and began my quest. I searched "Cheap transition lenses recommendations" and found a review of various reputable vendors.

After reading a few reviews I decided to go with www.39dollarglasses.com. As you might imagine, on the site you can choose from a wide range of frames that are all $39. I picked a nice black rimmed frame called "the scholar". Part of my motivation for picking this style is that I find them attractive on all women who wear them. Therefore I deduced that I would attract women who would see me wearing them and feel that we have something in common. Hope springs eternal.

The frames were $39 as promised but then I had to add the transition lens feature. That cost an additional $60. I signed up for their promotional news letter and received a $10 off product code for my order. I proceeded to the digital check out clicked free shipping and put in my credit card. My order was going to be $109 after the tax. I looked all over and could not find a place to put in my product code. I went back to the beginning and found it. As I clicked through my order, the free shipping had been raised to $4.95. This had to be a glitch so I called customer support.

A pleasant woman with a New York accent picked up and listened intently to my problem. She informed me that once the price of an order falls below $100 the customer looses the free shipping benefit. I argued that the intent of the product code was to grant a new customer $10, not cancel their free shipping. I asked if she could do anything about this but she was firm about their policy. I explained that this made me unhappy and I was thinking of placing my order with another company if they could not work something out.

At the conclusion of that constructive conversation I picked the next company on my list, www.eyebuydirect.com. I'm glad I did. After searching through their offerings, I found a similar pair of frames for $9. Once I added all the other features my order came out to around $70 which included shipping. As I clicked through my order I came to the discount code section. I wondered if I could just look up a product code on the internet. Turns out you can. The site www.retailmenot.com has huge lists of product codes. I found one for eye buy direct for 20% off and free shipping. Seemed to good to be true but it worked like a charm. My total order dropped to $53 with free shipping. I was happier than a flower salesman on valentines day.

The true cost of these sweet new spectacles should also include the 5 hours I spent fooling around and the internet and the frustration that comes with dealing with customer service. With that in mind I still obtained a great deal and if I end up with a sexy new girlfriend that will be ok too. 

5 days later.

Phone problem

Having a mobile phone is a necessary evil. Try telling a potential employer or romantic partner that you do not have a phone. They will either assume you are lying, Neo-Amish or the Unabomber. None of those possibilities come off as appealing.

I used to work at a phone company whose name rhymes with horizon, so I know how easy it is to have a monthly phone bill balloon out of control. When I worked there I was put on an employee discount plan that was very reasonable. For $32 per month I had 2 gigs of high speed data with unlimited talk and text. I also had Wifi at my apartment provided by my landlord and at work so I never used all my data in a month. 

Those were the good old days. Now I have moved to an apartment where there is no free WiFi. I consistently burn through my data in about 14 days and have to rely on a slower connection speed for half of each month. Recently my phone company sent me an email informing me that I need to update my employee credentials to continue enjoying my reduced price plan. That might be hard since I have not worked there in over 6 months. Once they have discovered this my plan will increase to $60 per month for the same service. They might as well take my blood.

I could regress to a flip phone which would be substantially cheaper. I found one at Walmart for $15 and could get a plan with Tracfone for only $9.95 per month. When I left Walmart I saw a pack of stray pigeons eating some bread crumbs and wondered about the practicality of breeding and training a pack of carrier pigeons to replace my phone. It might be cheaper since I would only have to pay for stale bread and could make my own cages out of junk people put up on the free section of Craigslist. After consulting the internet I discovered that only certain breeds of pigeons are capable of working as carrier pigeons. They can also only deliver to places that they have been trained to deliver to. I also looked into a WiFi only plan but after reading about it the pigeons seemed more practical.

Then I thought, what if I adopted a lifestyle where I would never need to communicate with anyone. There are plenty of Buddhist monks, hobos, carnival workers and incarcerated felons who get along just fine without a dedicated communication device. Although I suppose the monks can utilize the astral plane for basic messages. Hobos have coded messages carved into fence posts. Carnival workers can deliver messages face to face when the carnival returns to town. Felons have their visiting friends and family smuggle out important messages on or inside their person. I came to the conclusion that the need to communicate is just part of the human condition and I might as well make the best of it.         

After a few false starts some other half baked ideas I bought a plan with straight talk. For $44 per month I get 4 gigs of data and unlimited talk and text. Crisis averted. Besides that I can eat all that stale bread I collected myself which will cut down on this weeks grocery bill. Now I just need to have one of my neighbors give me their WiFi password and I'll really be in the catbird seat.

         

Bicycle

To support my on going effort to get in shape and feel great, I went out in search of a bicycle. My brother had recently purchased one from a fellow on Craigslist for the princely sum of $100. I thought I could get a better deal. Although I did find a bike that costs quite a bit less I did not end up getting a good value.

After driving around town for half a day ($10 in gas) to various flea markets, pawnshops, bike shops, and swap meets I found a nice mountain bike at play it again sports for $40 plus tax. I was initially skeptical because it was much cheaper than the other bikes. I asked the sales person and he assured me that their bike guy had given it a vigorous inspection and proclaimed it fit for sale. The bike looked clean and had a nice padded seat which I felt would be vital since I have not owned a bike for 10 or so years. The frame was also a little small too but the idea of getting a great deal clouded my judgement.

A couple of nights ago I became ambitious. Why drive my car to the gym when I could ride my bike? Exercise was the whole point right? I put my favorite bright red shorts on and started on my way. I work out at planet fitness which is only about 2 miles from my apartment. About half way I decided to change gears and the chain decided to snap off. I do not mean that the chain came off the gear, I mean one of the links snapped and the entire chain fell on the ground. I had left my phone at home so I walked the remaining mile, worked out and then walked home. My brother drove back with me later that night to pick it up.

The next day I returned to Play it again sports to see if they could/would fix it. When I asked the new sales person to have their bike mechanic take a look at it he told me they do not employ a bike mechanic. They put the bikes out in the same condition they arrive in, counter to what the other sales person had told me before purchase. Fair enough, then I asked what he could do for me. He advised me to check the bike repair shop across the highway and bid me good day by walking into the back.

The bike shop said they could make the necessary repairs for $58. This included a tune up, fixing the brakes, chain repair, and putting the derailer back into position. I told him the entire bike was only $43 and after a bit of negotiation bought the bare bones repair package for $32. I had thoughts of just donating the bike to the shop and cutting my losses but it was psychologically hard to admit I might not have obtained as good a deal as I thought.

When it breaks agin I'll be sure to leave it by the side of the road instead of going through all the trouble of getting it fixed again.

 Too good to be true = deep searing pain in the ass. 

Too much sun in my eyes

I enjoy playing Frisbee Golf. It has the fun and challenge of standard golf without most of the onerous expense. Most courses are free since they are maintained by local businesses or the players on public land. The only cost is the price of a couple disks and how ever much beer you want to bring along. For years I only used one disk for an entire course but I have become slightly more sophisticated after my brother bought me a putting disk for Christmas.

Austin, Texas is pretty far south. Being much closer to the equator than I am accustomed to means that it is really bright out. Despite the fact that it is still winter here the last time I went out for a round of Frisbee golf I got a sun burn on my face. I would normally wear sunglasses too but in order to see the basket properly I need to wear my normal prescription glasses. I have a pair of transition lenses on order but they are still a few weeks out since I did not opt to pay for the express shipping.

In the meantime I needed to adorn my head with some sort of hat. I have not lived in Texas long enough to convincingly pull off a traditional cowboy hat. I also like to spike my hair up in the front so a normal baseball cap was also out. I finally decided that a visor would be the best option. Mostly because it looks hilarious while still being functional.

I was quickly frustrated in my quest to obtain a visor. My first stop was Walmart where they did not have any men's visors and the women's visors were much too small for my head. My next stop was Barton springs mall where I visited ten different stores, none of which had any visors. Even LIDS, which only sells hats, did not have one for sale. The clerk at footlocker told me that they did occasionally get them in but they were $25. I asked him where I could find a tennis or pickle ball outfitter in the area. His mouth said that he was not aware of any such store but his face said that he thought I was a real goober.

After my abysmal failure to obtain a visor I went out and played a very poor round of disk golf that same afternoon. The sun kept getting in my eyes. I kept throwing my disk into water hazards. It was a sad sight. I think that the frustration from my earlier shopping debacle affected my play considerably.

After the round my brother and I decided to get some ice cream. We walked into the local dairy queen to purchase a blizzard and it was as if fate was taunting me. Every single one of the employees were wearing a DQ visor. While I was enviously admiring the cashier's visor I told her about all the trouble that I had gone through searching in vain for a visor and how lucky they were since they got them for free with the job. She laughed and told me that I was misinformed. At dairy queen, the employees have to buy their visors.

"Could I buy one?' I asked.

I once again received a look that made it clear she thought I was a grade A moron, similar to the one I had received earlier at the mall. Maybe I need to work on my English. Once she had determined I was indeed serious, she went to find her manager. The manager looked like he was pretty baked and did not have a care in the world. Welcome to Austin. $5 later I became the proud owner of my very own DQ visor. Obtaining this hot little number well below market price was sweeter that any ice cream could ever be.

Shopping bags

Making meals at home is fun, cheap and I do not have to tip anyone. Although I have no formal cooking experience I have become fairly skilled. I like to put on some exotic music for inspiration. If I am going to make my version of  jambalaya I'll put on Zydeco music. If I am going to make some Curry I'll put on some Indian or Thai music. Pandora has a lot of diverse stations that put me in the cooking mood.

Every week I head down to the grocery store to pick up more food for my kitchen experiments. Here in Austin the local H-E-B (Howard E. Butts) grocery has all the common staples at good prices. I like the quality and selection. A weeks worth of groceries fills up about a half a shopping cart. After spending an hour loading up I proceed to the check out. Then it hits me like a swift punch in the gut and a feeling of dread washes over me.   

I forgot my bags again.

Why is this a problem? Just have the clerk bag your items at the checkout. That is not how it works in Austin. There is a local ordnance prohibiting what the local government has termed single use bags, primarily targeting "T-shirt bags" made of cheap plastic.

 “Beginning March 1, 2013, no person may provide single-use carryout bags at any City facility, City-sponsored event, or any event held on City property. Beginning March 1, 2013, a business establishment within the City limits may not provide single-use carryout bags to its customers or to any person.”

This ordnance was put in place to protect the environment and reduce litter in the city. Sounds great but I still need to find a way to get my food home. H-E-B of course has a solution. They offer slightly heaver plastic bags for purchase, $0.50 per bag.

It's a classic conundrum. I came to H-E-B to save money, not spend $2.00 on 4 bags that I often forget at home. Instead of buying bags I have the clerk ring everything up and put the groceries back into the cart. I proceed to push the cart into parking lot where I put all the loose food items into my trunk where they are free to roll around until I arrive home. I walk into my apartment and dump the gym clothes out of my duffle bag and return to my car where I stuff everything into it. The neighbors are either laughing hysterically or calling the police to report a robbery when they see me rummaging around in my trunk and swearing while looking for lost items.

There must be a better way. I wonder if Austin has a Pack mule ordinance?

The Broom Problem

Frugality is a delicate dance. I like to think of it as having two dimensions, like the force from Star Wars. The light side of frugality is saving money and taking personal responsibility for your needs by planning ahead. The dark side is being so cost conscious that you are unable to spend money on anything and allow excess frugality to control all aspects of your life. I like to refer to this negative tendency as a frugality trap. It can be avoided, but only if you understand how it works and how to re-frame a situation to break out of this habit. 

In behavioral economics there is a concept called a steady state. Basically it shows that once a behavioral equilibrium is reached it is difficult to move to another without some external action changing the initial conditions or payoffs. A frugality trap falls into this type of behavior.

My brother and I have been living in our new apartment for almost one month. The main entrance is a wood floor. Dirt and leaves have been tracked in by our shoes. It has created a small mess. Each and every day, my brother has said that he is going to buy a broom to sweep up the debris. So far he has failed to obtain one. We have been to multiple different stores in the last few weeks but despite these daily assertions he has not bought one. The need is obvious but he is unwilling to take action.

I asked him about this and he said that he thought that all of the brooms that he had seen were too expensive, even at the thrift stores. I think that the cost was between $7-$10 for various types of brooms. He would like to buy a broom but only if it is priced $3 or less. Here in lies the heart of the problem. If nothing changes our floor may never feel the sweet bristling caress of a sweeping device. These are the type of situations that give cost conscious individuals a bad name.
 

$3 brooms.

 
What can be done?

You have to change the system. I could agree to split the cost of the broom with him since we will both benefit from having a clean floor. I could also invite someone over to our apartment and cause my brother to consider suffering the social embarrassment of a dirty floor which could change his valuation of what a clean floor is worth. We could even strike up conversation with our housing manager and ask to borrow a broom for free.

The goal is to recognize when things have gone too far and take some action to allow your needs to be met without compromising your principles. Saving money should not be an chore. It does not have to be onerous. It should be an enjoyable pastime. Luckily, fun is free.

Couch Caper

Last week my brother and I moved to Austin, Texas. Initially we spent a few days in an Airbnb to get a feel for the city. On previous moves across the country we have slept in our cars to cut costs. At $40 a night total and since it was the end of December, we decided to splurge. Every website that we viewed said we had to prove our income by having gainful employment but once we met our rental agent in person she just approved us on the spot. We were able to secure a two bedroom apartment that normal humans might choose to voluntarily habitate. It even has a bathroom.

The only furniture we brought with were our mattresses. After looking around our living space I decided that we need at least two couches, two chairs and a couple of end tables. I also needed a lamp for my room because for some unknown reason there was no light fixtures of any kind available.

Our first stop was the local goodwill. I pulled out my trusty smart phone and fired up google maps. Seven locations appeared on the screen. They even had listings for G.W. boutiques which I was sure were just places to exchange frilly underwear. The first goodwill we visited did not have a furniture section. I was somewhat miffed but they did have a good selection of lamps.

The next goodwill contained the most busted collection of furniture I have ever seen in my life. It was as if people had gone around Austin collecting broken garbage and instead of burning it properly they decided to drag it to the thrift store as a joke. I was embarrassed for humanity.  

Clearly I had to come up with a new strategy. Thankfully good old Craigslist stepped up to save the day. Under the "For Sale" section of Craigslist there is a subsection called "Free Stuff." Before my eyes appeared a cornucopia of free furniture. After some careful scrutiny I selected two elegant couches from the list and made appointments with their owners.  

https://austin.craigslist.org/search/zip?query=couch

To my surprise and delight both owners promptly replied to my emails, gave me their addressed and set a time for me to come pick up the furniture. The first owner was a nice Latino woman who just wanted to get rid of her couch so she could buy a new one. The couch was a lovely mocha color and made of leather. The catch? It had a few scratches from her tiny chihuahua and we had to carry it to the truck. It didn't even smell like dog piss. Bonus!

After we pulled up to the next house I was sure my luck had run out. What were the chances that lighting would strike twice and we could get two free couches without any incident. In my extensive experience with 4th hand couches I have found it is low. The second owner had a humongous dog. It was as if he couldn't afford to stable his horse so he decided to paint it dalmatian color and hid it in his apartment. I weigh over 300 pounds and I could have rode this "dog" fairly easily. This couch does have a faint dog odor but its nothing a bit of baking soda and Febreze can't fix.

Keeping it cheap, and super creepy.