Free Quarters

Lately I have rediscovered the joys of regular exercise. I have made this a regular habit in the last few months, cruising up to Planet Fitness 3-4 times a week. This is by far the cheapest workout gym option in the area at $10 a month. I like that they are open 24 hours a day because even though I have no interest in working out at 2:30 in the morning, knowing they are always open removes one more excuse for not going to work out.  

Adjacent to Planet Fitness is an Aldi discount grocery store. They have a nice selection at low prices which attracts fiscally conservative types. The Aldi corporation is owned by a large German conglomerate and in stereotypical German fashion, they pass on the savings by making everything ruthlessly efficient. Unlike every other grocery store I have been in, employees are constantly on task and working as fast as possible. There are no bags provided. There is no public bathroom. All the items are placed in the most convenient locations to reduce dawdling. I can do a weeks worth of grocery shopping at an Aldi and have everything loaded in my car in about 10 minutes where as the local Walmart takes FOREVER to get anything done.

Aldi is so efficient that they cannot afford to waste any of their employees precious time. Other grocery stores are forced to employ a shopping cart wrangler to return the shopping carts to the store. At Aldi they came up with a simple elegant solution. They make the customers pay to use a shopping cart. Each shopping cart is locked to the next in a row with a little chain. The only way to release the cart is to insert a quarter. When you are done shopping you return your cart to the line in the store which will then release your quarter.

Is a quarter enough incentive to get the shopping carts back into the store? You bet. The type of people who shop at a discount grocery store generally will not leave that quarter behind. When they do, that is when I make my move.

As a willing participant in our new gig economy I become an extremely temporary employee of the Aldi corporation every time I go to the gym. When I drive up for a workout I diligently scan the parking lot for carts that have been left behind. If I see a stray cart I park next to it, grab my workout gear and push the cart into the Aldi on my way into the gym. By returning the cart I can claim the quarter left behind by the previous user netting my 100% profit. I repeat this process after my workout, doubling my potential income from each trip. Yesterday I put my small collection of quarters together took a trip to the do it yourself car wash. Thanks Aldi.     

Innovations in modern saving

In an effort to defend my wallet from all threats, foreign and domestic, I am constantly on the lookout for better saving techniques. Instead of simply taking the verbal and psychological abuse from every cash bandit who comes along I have been cultivating methods of turning the situation around. Like a seasoned stand up comedian dealing with hecklers, there are ways to embarrass the very people who have just attempted to force your spending.

Bullying has received a inordinate amount of attention recently. Many Americans, especially young Americans have been conditioned to fight bulling in all its forms. Anyone can become the victim of bulling. There are plenty of fancy buzz words increasing the feeling of importance for those who wield them. Moral crusaders will gladly take up any cause if there is even a whiff of bulling taking place.  

Then I had an epiphany.

I can use these same buzz words to manufacture feelings of outrage during social situations. Even strangers will come to my aid if they are led to believe that a form of bulling is taking place.

This method is state of the art. I call it wallet shaming.

place yourself in a situation where you are with a group of friends and a sales person is attempting to sell something you do not want. Naturally they will attempt to take advantage of social proof and imply subtly to your group that you cannot afford whatever item is in question. You may feel pressure to make a purchase to protect your reputation. Resist this urge!

Instead, in a loud firm indignant voice say, "Are you trying to wallet shame me right now? Because I will not stand for it!" Congratulations. With this sentence you have labeled yourself a victim of bulling. Now watch as everyone within ear shot will jump at the chance to ridicule this hapless sales person. Not only will they not attempt to sell you anything further, it is likely no one else in the store will wish to purchase anything from a "bully".

The bystanders don't even need to know the situation. They will react forcefully simply because having an excuse to express righteous indigence is fun. Everyone enjoys feeling that they have the moral high ground and this gives them a perfect opportunity.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Citron

I ventured into my local tap house Saturday night and was impressed with the selection. Micro brewery's are all the rage now and everyone is trying to claim that they were a hop head way before it was cool. Now that the average drinker is pretending to have an interest in locally sourced hand crafted whatever, prices have inevitably risen.

Labatt Blue is my preferred beer. This regional delicacy is cheap, tastes good and the can is always as cold as the Canadian Rockies. That last part might not be true but it sure feels that way.

After scanning the extensive beer menu it dawned on me that the average drink was going to run $7 per pint. Before I surrendered to this extortion I scanned the menu one more time and discovered my salvation. A Crisp Pabst Blue Ribbon could be mine for only 3 american dollars. I though I had gained the upper hand until my drink arrived.

The other drinks were poured into artisan glasses specifically designed to enhance the drinking experience and induce in the drinker a unique feeling that what they were about to imbibe was very special. My drink came in a Mason Jar. Like Hester Prynne, I was being publicly shamed for my drink selection. Our server set my drink down with a smug look of satisfaction.

Defeated, I sipped my beer in silence until inspiration struck. I flagged down the server and said "Summer is just around the corner, could I get an orange for my drink?" In that instant Pabst Blue Ribbon Citron was born. Apparently adding an orange to your drink really classes it up as I had three different people ask me about my distinctive beverage. With all the seriousness I could muster, I told them it was just a little something I had ordered off menu. Keeping it Classy.

Khaki Kaper

Recently I started a new job. While there is no formal dress code certain styles of dress are encouraged. I was issued a couple of work shirts but beyond that I have been left to decide for myself what business casual means. Abstaining from providing official standards is clever since they can instantly declare anything inappropriate and more importantly, they do not feel compelled to buy me some work pants.

I am a large man. Shopping for clothing that fits properly can be a challenge. When I do find something halfway decent looking that fits well I buy every color available. For shirts I usually need a 3X or 4X depending on the brand and pants need to be between 40x30 and 44x30 depending on the brand. This makes some what less enjoyable that it could be.

My first stop was Kohls. They have an extensive Big and Tall section. I found a nice pair of dockers that looked like they would fit. Then I turned over the price tag. $75 a pair for work pants? Nope.

Then I headed over to Kmart. They had a buy one get one half off deal on all types of pants to clear them out for summer. I found a couple of sharp looking slacks and proceeded to the dressing room. They fit nicely around the waist but they were really baggy in the legs and butt. Not quite parachute pants but not exactly flattering. The price sure was sexy, $12 for the first pair and $6 for the second. I was tempted but decided to look elsewhere.

All the shopping stressed me out. I decided to go home, take a nap and regroup.

My last resort was T.J. Max. I was not optimistic about finding anything but against my better judgement I went. To my utter amazement there were two pair of nice dockers there were 42x30. They were a little tight but much better than the pants at Kmart. Each pair was $16.99. Not bad.

Once I reached the register the cashier's vapid stare caused me to really appreciate my new job. The look on her face was a combination of extreme apathy and loathing. Truly a master customer service representative. She scanned my order with a frown. I told her that if she kept making that face it might stick. She was not amused.

While walking to my car I looked at my receipt. She had not realized that I had two pair and only charged me for one. What a deal!

 

Double Vision.

 

Music

One day humanity decided that music would be free. Not that anyone voted, it just became incredibly easy to steal share once everything became digital. Companies have tried to turn a profit from streaming content but once the "everything online is free" mentality took hold there was no putting that particular jeannie back in the bottle. Phone apps are also facing this grim reality.

As one of my income trickles, I host local trivia games. Part of my responsibility beyond reading the questions and indulging myself in some adult beverages is to select music that will accompany each question. I take pride in selecting an appropriate song that adds a certain subtle elegance to the proceedings. Proper song selection requires an extensive music library. Since I have been allotted a budget of zero dollars to purchase music by my company, I have been forced to turn to alternative sources.    

Early on in my trivia days I would simply fire up my trusty torrent client and pick out whatever I wanted from The Pirate Bay. My roommate eventually received a stern letter from Comcast which ended this particular music bonanza. Then I turned to playing music directly off youtube. This worked out for a while but as the number of adds has increased it has become much more difficult to run a show in this manner. Finally I came upon a solution which even claims to be legal. Bonus!

   http://convert2mp3.net/en/index.php

With this link, any video on youtube can be converted into an MP3 music file. There are other services out there that do the same thing but this is the one that has worked. Now when I need that special song that perfectly pairs with a question about flatulence, I have it in just a few clicks. That frees me up to craft a perfectly tasteful joke or just day dream about my future Ex-wife and what percentage of my Mad Magazine collection she will demand in our divorce settlement. 

Eating out

Going out to eat can easily put me in a bad mood. I derive abundant personal satisfaction from cooking the majority of my meals but occasionally I am coerced into visiting a restaurant. Fast causal is a compromise I prefer because the food is usually reasonably priced and the staff is paid an hourly wage so they are not expecting a tip.

When I reluctantly enter any restaurant my plan is to attempt to spend no more than $10. To my dismay, that dream is usually utter fantasy.  The servers see me coming a mile away. They have dark, devious ways of dealing with Mr. cheapskate that involve social pressure, public shaming or negative body language as a way to embarrass me into spending more. Little do they know that they are dealing with a seasoned master of the frugal arts and sciences.

The rules of the game are simple. The server wants to maximize the bill to ensure a greater tip and I want to spend $10. We proceed to engage in a delicate dance of cunning. In the opening gambit our server will ask about drinks and appetizers. I quickly reveal my hand by ordering a water. Usually the server will counter with a statement that they will bring waters around for everyone but still wants to know what I would like to drink. This is clever, for if the other members of my party order drinks it is made to seem that everyone is getting something and become the odd man out. The implications is that I cannot afford a drink. Hence there is strong social pressure to appear at least as affluent as the other diners.

Next up is the main course. The server has my number at this point and will try to shame me further by taking everyone's order with great enthusiasm and then quietly asking me if I would like to order something off the kids menu. This attempted emasculation is an effective way to force the hand of many patrons. I resist and order a sandwich or burger off the big boys menu.

Finally it is time to pay the bill. Unless the server used a racial slur or farted directly on my food while I was watching, it's pretty hard to escape leaving a tip. I took a trip to Thailand last winter and it was wonderful because there they do not expect a tip. I tried not tipping at restaurants here in America for about a month but I eventually caved in to our cultural norms. Now my objective is to leave a tip that just large enough that the server is not insulted. Since I have greatly reduced their expectations throughout the meal, I find that $2 is the magic number.

This is about how it goes every time I eat out. The entire experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Savoring the flavor of savings tends to lift my mood and could be the main reason why I take such joy in cooking for myself. 

Lunch money

At age 14 I obtained a summer job working for a grocery store. Mostly it was mind numbing tedium but having a little money to spend on illegal fireworks was pleasant. I pretty much screwed around and did menial work that older employees were too cool for. Oddly, they were very strict about us taking proper lunch breaks. Possibly they were worried about violating child labor again so we were forced to take an hour lunch break every day. I would have preferred to work straight through and leave an hour earlier but they were not amenable to that idea.

During this hour I would ride my bike over to a local sandwich shop since I did not have enough time to go home for lunch . They sold gigantic subs with a drink for about 10 dollars. It quickly became a midday tradition and my sandwich expenses started piling up. I started to figure out that a large portion of my pay was going right into that sandwich shop each day. At that time I was making $5.15 an hour. After taxes we will call that $4.50 just to make it easier to calculate. After working 25 hours a week I would bring home $112.5 per week. The problem was, I was working 4 days a week which meant taking 4 mandatory lunch breaks at $10 each. That's $40 a week or 36% of my weekly income.

My lunch expense is a slightly smaller portion of my income today but the lesson has always stuck with me. Now I bring my lunch in almost everyday. I have found that the best strategy is to cook up a couple large batches of something you really like on Sunday night and then store it in Tupperware containers. I especially like kielbasa and sauerkraut since it makes my farts quite a bit louder. That way when you are in a rush to get out the door in the morning you have something appealing to grab. Don't worry about napkins, you can wipe your face with all the 100 dollar bills you didn't spend on Taco Bell.  

Beer Festival

This weekend there was a Micro-brew and Music festival. I cannot turn around without another beer festival just waiting to pounce on my innocent wallet. General admission was $25 per person which included two drink tokens that entitled the holder to about 8oz of sweet sweet beer. Barely enough to get the take the dust off my tongue. Drink tickets cost $3 each or two for $5. Each ticket was worth a half pint of beer, so figure you are paying $5 a pint. Hungry? No outside food allowed but for 2 drink tickets you can get a snack from a local food truck.

As the costs racked up in my head I estimated that it would cost between $60 and $75 to have a good time. I considered not going but could not stand the idea of drunk single women going through an entire beer festival without being indiscriminately hooted and hollered at by yours truly. Instead of giving into despair, I did a little research.

On the festival's web page there was a link to sign up as a volunteer. There were all sorts of different tasks available which would grant free admission. I signed up to work the brewers hospitality tent since I assumed they would have access to the most beer. Possibly all the beer. Maybe even the most delicious type of beer ever produced, free beer. I was not disappointed.

When I arrived at the hospitality tent the women in charge was a bit stressed out with all the preparations so I got right to work helping set up. Our main charge was to ensure that all the food on display was hot and ready to eat. I once worked as a banquet waiter so it was really easy to set up the line and make everything presentable. After that our only responsibility was to ensure that everything stayed stocked. This gave me plenty of free time to wander around the festival searching for that special someone. The brewers even provided kegs of beer for the tent so I drank for free too.

In exchange for a small amount of my time I ended up getting to enjoy the festival for free. I was able to meet some cool people and even do a little networking. I did have to go buy some throat lozenges the next day. Probably from all the Hollering. There are plenty of upcoming festivals this summer and I plan to deploy this strategy again while I continue to let my wallet rest easy.
      

Dumpster Pizza

What could be better that a nice slice of pizza? That sounds suggestive, let me start again. What would you rather slide into your hungry mouth than a fat slice of pizza? Dang it. The answer is free pizza you degenerates. Look what the internet has done to my mind.

My friend who we'll call Lohn Jions fancied himself a pretty sharp salesman. He hails from what he refers to as the dirty south and had a thick drawl. I decided to put his skills to the test.

There was a Little Caesars Pizza down the block. I began telling Lohn that he was a piss poor excuse for a salesman and that I bet he couldn't even get us some free pizza. I may have also made some strong insinuations about his sexual orientation. Now that he was properly motivated, I laid out my plan. We drove to the Little Caesars right as it was about to close.

If you have heard of Little Caesars Pizza then you are acquainted with their flagship product, the HOT and READY. These Pizza's are made in advance and are available for purchase with no notice. Genuineness personified. The only thing smarter would be getting one for free.

Before he went in I explained to Lohn that they must have plenty of those HOT and READY pizza's that they throw out at the end of the evening. Why can't they just give them to us instead of wasting them? He told me that my mom was hot and ready then proceeded to enter the store. I did not hear the conversation since I stayed outside and let him work his magic.

About 5 min later Lohn came out and we walked around to the back door. The manager exited with eight full boxes of pizza which he proceeded to set next to the dumpster. I had to eat a lot of humble pie that week and refer to Lohn as a master salesman from then on.

Total cost: $0 and one stomachache, each day for a week.     

Lifty Sandwich

As I eluded to in earlier posts, I once worked as a lift operator at an upscale ski resort. I considered this job to be more of a working vacation than a career path. Time that was not spent working or skiing was utilized hanging out in bars. Other liftys spent their free time and money in a similar fashion. This constant partying cut into the grocery budget quite a bit.

No matter how cheap a person strives to be, you still have to eat. That is until the day that someone figures out how upload our brains to the internet. One day a lift operator of great industry and vision came up with a solution. No one knows if this person of myth and legend really existed, but the stories live on in the hushed whispers of hungry liftys who stand in awe of his genius.  

It is called the Lifty Sandwich. If you find yourself dining on this particular food stuff, I recommended taking a serious personal inventory to try and decide how you screwed up so bad. The recipe is very simple but not paying for any of the ingredients can be considered morally ambiguous at best. Find any restaurant that serves soup. Tell the server that you have low blood sugar and that you need a couple of packets of Saltine Crackers otherwise you might have a seizure. They will give as many packets as you can carry to avoid a lawsuit.

Next, go down to your local fast food chain. They must serve french fries as you are looking for some ketchup packets. Shamelessly flirt with who ever is working behind the counter. Man, Woman, other, doesn't matter. After about 5 min of this they will non-verbally indicate that it's time to leave or possibly slip you their number depending on the situation. On the way out, fill your pockets with Ketchup packets. Put the Ketchup on a cracker and then place another cracker on top. Tastes just like a hotdog with just a pinch of regret.

  

   

Beverage problem

Recently I have been cutting sugar out of my diet. Walk into any local gas station and try and find a Beverage that does not contain sugar. The only options remaining are coffee, tea and water. The amounts of caffeine in coffee tend to make me highly agitated and paying for a bottle of water not something I am prepared to stomach. This leaves unsweetened tea as my only viable option.

A bottle of my favorite Gold Peak Unsweetened Ice Tea is about $1.79 per bottle for the 12 ounce. I have been known to drink two or three a day even though it makes my urine smell strange. At that rate I could spend anywhere from $25 and $40 per week. Utter insanity.

Instead of continuing to waste good money on such decadence I came up with a simple solution. I drove over to the thrift store and spent $0.50 on a used water pitcher. Then I bought some tea bags from the Dollar store for $1.06 with tax. That night I boiled up a gallon of water and threw in the tea to steep. I let it cool and then pored it in the pitcher which I stored in the Fridge. Total cost $1.56.

Now everyday before I leave the house I fill up my bottle with delicious tea. Now I get all the sugar I need in the form of sweet, sweet savings. Nothing tastes quite like it. 

Drying Rack.

I graduated from college right into the recession of 2008. The job market was not looking great so I decided to spend the winter out west in Utah working as a lift operator at Deer Valley Ski Resort in Park City. The life of a lift operator is about as glamorous as it gets but I was feeling depressed and Skiing all winter sounded like fun.

Our housing expenses were taken directly out of our pay checks. This meant that anything left over was basically money for food and Beer. All of the lift operators were always trying to cut all other expenses to the absolute minimum, so more cash would be available for shots of Absolut.

One thrifty lifty who we will refer to as Shaad B.* decided that he was spending entirely too much money doing his laundry each week. For the weekly laundry, we were spending about $3.75 for a wash and $1.50-$2 for a dry per load. That is almost $12 per week. Doesn't sound like much but that could buy a thirsty lift operator 12 Delicious PBR's. Something had to be done.

Shaad headed down to the local Walmart and bought a drying rack for around $5. Now he would wash his clothing as before and bring all the clothes home to place on the drying rack. In one fell swoop he cut his laundry expenses down by at least 1/3. It was the greatest innovation in saving I had seen in weeks and we all cracked open a beer to celebrate.

Ultimately I ended up saving the most money because when Shaad returned to Alaska he gave me the drying rack, thus I saved the innital $5 investment.

It begins....

Those of us who take pride in saving money are a special breed. Not only do we endure the hardships of constantly delaying gratification but also a stream of never ending jabs from our peers. Our friends and loved ones do not truly understand what they consider an affliction or character flaw.

You are not alone.

That is why I have decided to write this blog. To uplift the virtues of the thrifty and provide moral support. To those suffering under the yoke of living in a society where reckless spending is encouraged remember this: What is right is not always popular, and what is popular is not always right.