Repurposed Auto Accessories.

I drive an old Lincoln town car. The drivers side seat is falling apart. I was sweating on it all summer. That and constantly getting in and out of the car has taken its toll. The stitching is starting to fall apart. I was driving around some family members recently and my uncle Mike asked me if a bear had attacked my seat. Normally I am the only one in the car so I never think about it. I decided I needed to do something with that dumpy looking seat.

There were so many possible solutions online. I decided to go look for a simple elegant seat cover. When I arrived at the local AutoZone they had an entire shelf dedicated to seat covers. They all looked like something either a race car driver or someone who wished they could be in the next fast and furious movie would think is cool. They were also designed for bucket seats and I have a huge hybrid bench seat. I asked the clerk were people who have more of a daily driver might go to get a seat cover. He told me that it might be easier to build a time machine, travel back to 1998 and buy one there than to try and find one locally.

Time travel sounded like a good idea so I pulled out my smartphone and typed in Kmart on my google map.

I would have to try the next best thing and headed over to Walmart. They had more of an every man car seat cover selection. It came down to something that can only be described as a seat bib and a net of wooden beads. I decided to try the bib option. It was a little small for my seat but the harness part was made of elastic so I was certain it would fit. Out in the parking lot I put the seat cover on and sat down to see how it felt. One of the elastic straps immediately snapped off. Back to the drawing board. I walked back in and got a full refund. I didn't even need to make up some story about faulty merchandise. They just took it back no questions asked and went back to picking their noses.

I then proceeded to forget the entire thing. Until today.

I went for a swim at the free local pool. They should really call it the Hobo showering area that happens to have a pool attached. Swimming outdoors in December is a treat for me since its snowing in my hometown so I cannot complain too much. I was about halfway through my laps when I got to thinking about my seat again. I need something that I can clean periodically that will fit over the seat. A T-shirt? No, too trashy. How about a sweater? What would I do with the sleeves? I don't know if I was over caffeinated or under oxygenated but an idea hit me like an endorphin taser to the brain.

How about a vest?

I couldn't think of a reason why it wouldn't work so I drove over to the closest Goodwill to find a vest. I found one right away for $5 that I thought would fit around my seat. It had some zippered pockets on the front but I just decided that I could just put it in backwards so that the zippers would not irritate my back. That way people in the back seat could also use the pockets to store some small knickknacks. I suppose I could also put napkins and plastic forks in their too in case anyone needed those. Maybe some tiny roadside flares. 

I was all set to purchase my snappy new vest/seat cover when I saw the line. There was only one flustered looking woman running the cash register. People were giving her a hard time and acting real snippy. One woman came up and asked the clerk if she could be let into the fitting room. The Frazzled clerk said that she would be over there as soon as she could but she had to check everyone else in line out first. After witnessing this I walked over to the clerk and told her that I would let the customer into the fitting room myself if she would loan me the key. I would have preferred to do just about anything other than stand in line.

When I returned to my place in line after letting the woman into the fitting room it was just in time to check out. As I handed my vest and the dressing room key back to the clerk she said "Well what do you know, looks like this item is half off today". She winked at me and we both laughed. We had just colluded to defraud the Goodwill for half the price of my vest. That's what I call a good woman. If I hadn't seen a ring on her finger I would have asked her out right then and there. I should have asked if she had a sister. Something to think about for next time.

Problem solved. 

The Half Cup Maneuver

I spend four or five days a week in coffee shops writing trivia questions. Sitting at home never allows me to concentrate on one specific task. I'll be sitting at the table ready to write when I start thinking about doing a load of laundry or one of my roommates needs a small favor. Distractions are around every corner and I can never get into "production mode". It seems easier to block off a couple hours to focus when I am out of the house and then be done for the day.

Each time I go to a coffee shop I feel obligated to buy something. This is a business and the WIFI doesn't pay for itself. Most places have a drip coffee available which is usually the cheapest item that does not have sugar in it although sometimes the soda costs more than a small coffee.

Each cup of coffee is marginally dirt cheap for the company once they have produced it. Sometimes the cost of the cup is more than the cost of the fluid that goes in it.

Before I developed this strategy I would order a large size cup of coffee since that was the amount I wanted to drink. What a fool I was back then.

I discovered that most places will offer you a refill at a discount. Lets say you ordered a large coffee for $3.50. They might offer a refill for any size coffee for 75 cents. If the small coffee is $2.25 and a refill is .75 cents you can get even more coffee for $3.00.

Then I took my coffee game to the next level.

I created a socially engineered system I call "The Half Cup Maneuver." Instead of ordering a full refill I ask for just a half of a cup. In all of the coffee shops I have encountered, not one has a button on their register for a half a cup of coffee. At this point most baristas will just wave me on and say its on the house. If they do come up with some figure like .30 cents I'll pull out my credit card and hand it to them. I never carry cash. It might actually cost the business more to process my payment than they would make at that point and they usually just tell me not to worry about it.

Through this method my small coffee transforms into a large pretty much everywhere I go. The only additional cost was my dignity which is worthless. Not everyone will feel comfortable using this method since it preys on the fact that the baristas live on their tips and need to be accommodating to retain their jobs. If I save $1 every time I go out that is $5 more per week I can spend on beard wax.

Whether my second cup is half empty or half full is irrelevant, it's free.

Update: I found a way to get a free cup of coffee when I am in a pinch.Walk into your local bank branch. For me this is Chase Bank. Go to the indoor ATM and check your checking account balance. After that walk up to the coffee station and help yourself to a complementary coffee. Not sure if every bank offers this but since they try to copy each other in everything else I assume they do.

Ask for savings.

The savings are out there, you just have to ask.

The faceless corporations we deal with on a daily basis cannot read your mind, although they are working on that. Front line employees who represent these companies have nothing to lose by giving you a deal. Usually they are going to be paid the same hourly wage no matter what. As long as they follow the rules, they are instructed to make the customer as happy as possible. It feels good to hook someone up with a deal and attracting new customers is expensive. It makes business sense to reward loyalty. Being open to the idea that a company will give you a deal is the first step.

I flew back on United Airlines from South America recently. I landed in Chicago in the afternoon and was looking at a 7 hour layover. I had purchased the cheapest ticket possible, hence the obscene layover. After going through customs there was a United customer service desk. Would they be willing to put me on an earlier flight? I've got 7 hours to kill, might as well ask. I cheerfully walked up and asked Jennifer the desk agent (all employees wear name tags and I find that it helps build rapport if you address them by name. Dale Carnegie would agree) if I could be put onto an earlier flight. I had low expectations but I had just finished a book on the science of luck, and I was feeling lucky. She said the word "no" followed by the word "problem". "No problem, we have an empty seat on that same flight leaving in 45 min". She printed me off a new ticket and I was on my way at no additional charge. I was of course very pleased with myself. Jennifer was also happy that she could help me out. I no longer refer to United Airlines as a bunch of scumbags out to molest my wallet. everyone wins.

I have been working out at Planet Fitness for the last couple years. When I moved to Austin, they had a deal where you could sign up for 6 months and pay $15 a month with no contract. If you wanted the $10 a month basic card you had to sign up for a year. At that time I wasn't sure if I would be staying here so I opted for the 6 month deal. I was crushing it on the elliptical one day when a flyer caught my eye. They were having a Halloween themed promotion called "The killer deal". $5 down, $10 a month, no contract. Usually these deals only apply to new members but I was emboldened from the endorphins rampaging through my brain. I walked up to Thad the Planet Fitness clerk and asked if current members could take advantage of the new promotion. He looked bored to tears. The opportunity to do anything other than stare vacantly into space was a real treat for him. After a vigorous rereading of the promotion he was unsure and said he would need to get the manager. The manager looked like he had been roused from a nap and said the magic words, "yeah, whatever." Just like that I was on my way to saving $5 a month on my already dirt cheap gym membership. Now I was really feeling good so I went over and maxed out on the squat rack and had a quiet celebration because I did not want to set off the lunk alarm.

My credit card has also been getting a workout lately. I have not been steeped in all the nuances of using a credit card. My basic strategy has been use the credit card for everything, pay it off before the grace period so there is no interest and somehow this builds credit. To date I have still never paid out any interest or fees. This had been working until I ran up against the concept of credit utilization rate. I did not realize that using a high percentage of your available credit was a bad thing for your credit score. I had a month where I had a high balance which I paid before the grace period but which tanked my credit score 30 points. I was pissed and needed a plan of action. I picked up a book called "I will teach you to be rich" by Ramit Sethi to educate myself on credit. He advises people with credit utilization issues to call up the bank or credit card company and ask for a higher credit limit. This will only work for people who have the discipline to not use all this extra credit. I thought that since my credit score had just dropped my bank would not be interested in extending me more credit but what did I have to lose. I called the number on the back of my card and asked Sam (Customer service agents are usually required to give their name or at least some name during their greeting) to have my credit limit raised. She hit a couple of buttons and almost doubled my credit limit. Super easy. This will also cause my credit score to increase. 

These are examples of times when these requests worked out in my favor. It doesn't work every time. I called up Geico last week and asked for a lower rate on my car insurance and they turned me down. Big deal. I'll shop around this week for a lower rate, call them back and ask them to match it. I find this intellectually challenging and fun. Once you do this a few times you start to see the possibilities everywhere. It's just like Neo seeing the matrix for the first time. 

The saving are out there, you just have to ask.   

 

New address trouble.

A few weeks ago I moved. This means I would need to have my address changed so I could continue to receive mail. Initially I thought, do I even want to receive mail? Its mostly junk advertisements that I end up throwing out. Most of the people I care to have contact me have my phone number or email. Why do I need another flyer from Costco telling me I can save $3 a year on my yearly mayonnaise expenses when I don't even eat mayonnaise? At least online ads attempt to be targeted to my interest, where as junk mail is a complete shot in the dark.

I was going to forget the entire thing until my roommate informed me that she used to work for the post office. She told me that it was free to change your address and could be done easily online. The words "free" and "do not have to stand in line at the post office" had a certain appeal. As a responsible adult who did not want any future Christmas and Birthday checks lost, I decided to take action.

I fired up my Toshiba laptop using the free WIFI at the library and logged onto the USPS website. It was a pretty straight forward process to fill out the forms which took about 3 minutes to complete. Everything went smoothly until the very end. After expending 3 minutes of precious time, the USPS wanted my credit card number. I assumed this was a way to verify my identity but I was mistaken. The dirty jackals that run the post office were demanding that I fork over $1 to change my address. After suppressing a wave of indignant rage, I looked at the fine print. If you filled out the form at a post office it was free, but to make the change online it would cost $1.

Now I was truly at a loss. Was I willing to pack up my computer. Get in my car. Drive to the nearest post office. Wait in line for an unknown length of time. Explain my situation to a postal worker. Fill out a form. Then possibly wait in line again for an unknown amount of time. All for one dollar?

You're Damn right I did.

It was 4pm on a Thursday in downtown Austin. It was grid lock traffic the minute I pulled out of they library. If you have never driven in Austin, try to avoid it between 3:30pm and 7pm if at all possible. My GPS told me that the closest post office was normally 20 minutes away, but because of road construction, it would take 45 minutes. Of course the place would be closing at 5pm.

As I entered the run down building with 15 minutes to spare, there was a short line. No problem, behind the counter there were 4 employees.  Apparently they were all on break because no one was being helped. Eventually it was my turn. I was informed that the form I needed was on the back wall behind the line I had been uselessly waiting in. I opened the packet, filled out the post card and handed it to the clerk. Mission accomplished.

Economists would call my decision to forgo spending the $1 "irrational behavior" and "inefficient". I ended up spending much more than $1 in effort if you consider all the wasted time and stress induced by this process. So why did I do it anyways? I ended up expending more than $1 worth of opportunity costs. Primarily it was because I felt it was unjust. Its the principle of the thing, right?

A few weeks later I received a letter from the USPS. It said: Important information enclosed. I opened this letter and it was FULL OF ADVERTISEMENTS. There must have been 20 different adds, Which means the post office made a profit off my decision to change my address. They also enclosed a letter asking me to verify my new address. If the letter arrived in my mail box, why would I need to verify anything? Its about enough to give me heart burn.

Did I learn anything?

Sadly, No.  

Free Shipping

Everything can be found cheaper online. Free shipping makes it even sweeter. Every time I make a purchase and check out on Amazon they always dangle the offer of free shipping. All you have to do is sign up for a free one month trial of Amazon Prime.

The good people at Amazon know how a subscription model works. They know that a regular Amazon user would love to get a package delivered in 2 days for free. They know it allows customers free streaming video content. They know that most people don't check their credit card statements. After using Prime for a month, who would want to return to the dark ages of waiting 5 days for a Hawaiian shirt to arrive?

At only $12.99 a month, it pays for itself every time you order a 10 gallon jar of spicy pickles since the shipping is free. I might as well do all my shopping on Amazon. They can just push ready made sandwiches through the mail slot so I'll never have to leave the house again. It is a smart business plan. Now every new purchase has to pass the, "can I get it cheaper on Amazon" test.

Instead of conditioning myself to buy everything on Amazon for the rest of my life, I created a money saving scheme for the modern age. It would require a certain level of cunning and discipline but like it says in the good book, the frugal shall reap the savings. 

I have been keeping a list of some things that I need/want to buy for the last few months. Shirts, computer parts, trivia components, books. These items are all much cheaper on Amazon. After placing my first order I signed up for Amazon Prime. After which I noted the date and pulled out my digital calendar. I marked a day a little less than one month from now as "Cancel Amazon prime day". There is no obligation so I will not be charged for the service if I can remain committed to canceling before the end of my month.

I live in Austin so some of the items have arrived the day after I ordered them. It truly is a modern marvel. The funny thing is I have played this little One free month of prime game a couple of times now and they just keep offering it a couple months later. That gives me enough time to build up another list of essentials. They must think they can erode my resolve if I continue to utilize the service. That may work for the majority of their customers but they have rarely tangled with someone who would wear the same underwear for the rest of his life if they would only stop falling apart. 

Free pen taboo

Each week I host live trivia games at local bars and restaurants. Putting on each show is marginally inexpensive since I have already paid for my laptop, speakers, mic and all the other equipment needed to put on a show. My recurring costs are player score sheets, betting slips and pens. To cut costs, my brother and I bought a printer at Walmart for $50 and I can now print off all the paperwork needed.

Pens are the only remaining issue. Each week I put out pens for the players. I put out between 15 and 30 pens depending on how many I have on hand. No matter what number I put out, at least 75% disappear into another dimension and are never seen again. A pack of pens at the dollar store costs $1.06 with tax and I need at least 2.5 packs for each show. This also means that I have to make a special trip to the dollar store every week or so. In the grand scheme this seems like a minor problem but I have multiple shows each week so it is one I would still like to eliminate.

I have attempted to collect the pens after a show but end up with only a few chewed up tubes that no longer resemble writing utensils. I think that the players are getting so excited that they unconsciously need something to to gnaw on. It is also possible that they do not want to miss one second of trivia and put the pens in their mouths to delay a much needed smoke break. Either way the recovery strategy has been a futile effort.

Lots of businesses give away free pens to customers to promote their businesses. Ideally they would like each customer to take one, and only one. They do not want some industrious trivia host walking off with 40 pens after each visit. Driving all over town and getting one free pen from a bunch of businesses would not be time effective or cost effective since I would have to pay my own gas. Just walking into a business and taking a free pen without making a purchase is something you might do once. Over time even the most inept employees will catch on and ask you to stop taking those pens.

The ideal free pen scenario would be a place I already frequent where I would not have to buy anything and I also have a reason to be there so as not to arouse suspicion of vigilant employees. Initially I considered my bank as a possible source but all their pens are chained to the teller stations. Plus I do most of my banking online or at an ATM so I do not frequent the bank enough to fulfill my needs.

Planet Fitness to the rescue again. In the front by the check in station there is a lounge area. There are tables and each one is loaded with at least 50 pens. I have been sticking to a brutal 4-5 weekly visit workout regime. Each time on my way out I grab four pens. They have a staff that constantly rotates shift times so no one has caught on yet and I'm sure that these highly motivated drones could not care less. This also has the added benefit that when I pass them out I tell the players that I only grab one pen on each visit, increasing their belief that I go to the gym a lot. They write in purple but no one seems to mind.

Now I am able to spend that Pen gathering time more effectively on engineering superior puns for my upcoming games. This system is much more dependable than carrying around a bunch of broken pencils, because broken pencils are pointless.        

Clif Bar on the cheap.

It was 3:00 pm and I had a dilemma. I wanted to go the the gym but I was also hungry. Some food needed to go into my body, and something small since it was too early to eat dinner. There is a odd little convenience store across from the Twin Oaks library that sells snacks. After looking around I selected a peanut butter Clif bar and placed it on the counter. Out came my debit card. Before I could open the package and jam the snack in my mouth, the clerk informed me that there was a $5 minimum on all debit card purchases. I almost never carry cash and the thought of spending an additional $3.50 was not appealing. I left without my precious snack.

Down the road there was a Shell gas station. Surely a corporate behemoth the size of Shell would not quibble over a minimum purchase. I placed an identical peanut butter Clif bar on the counter. The clerk was on his phone and could not have cared less. Mission Accomplished, or so I thought. Clif bars cost $2.50 at Shell. It was enough to give me heart burn. Since I was approaching an extreme state of "hanrginess", I paid the absorbent markup and left crestfallen. There had to be a better way. One that would eliminate the bitter taste of price gouging from my mouth.

The wheels in my brain started turning. How hard would it be to make something like a Clif bar at home? After a little research I found out that it really easy. Get on google and type in "DIY Clif Bar". There are thousands of recipes for every type of diet. Want to make a batch of no bake, vegan, gluten free, free range, no preservative, paleo, freegan bars? Someone out there is making a batch right now and cannot wait to tell you all about it.

My criteria were as follows. They needed to be cheap and easy to make. Should be reasonably healthy. Easy to transport so I can keep them in my car. After looking over a few ideas I drove to the local grocery store and bought my ingredients. I used the basic principle that the things I already like to eat would make a good bar. Pretty basic stuff. All the ingredients together cost $8.50.

         
I took all this stuff and mixed it in a bowl. Then I greased up a cookie sheet and poured the mixture onto it. Various recipes recommended that I form a brick by pressing down on the top and sides with a cutting board. I cooked this brick at 325° for 30 minutes. When it was done I put it in the refrigerator to harden a bit. Then I cut the brick into squares. This made 16 Clif sized bars  in two batches which came in at $0.54 per bar. I am going to continue to tweak the recipe but I was very pleased with the results. So is my wallet.