Barely Legal Tender.

I found a badly damaged mashed up penny. This penny was scraped up and mangled. Partially folded in half. Much of the copper had been sheared off so the nickle core was visible. Of course I picked it up. 

Had I picked up a piece of garbage or money? Clearly it was a standard penny at one time. I heard that if you have 51% of a damaged bill it is still considered valid currency. 

A business can refuse to take any form of payment but banks can exchange damaged bills for regular bills. They send them to the federal reserve to be taken out of circulation. My theory was this would also apply to damaged coins.   

My plan was to take this damaged penny to my Credit Union and see if they would exchange it for an undamaged penny. If they wouldn't do that then maybe they would deposit 1 cent into my checking account. 

I went to my Credit Union with a check to deposit for a trivia show. Then they would know I was a member which might increase my odds of success. 

I presented my check to the teller along with my ID and debit card. The check was deposited without any complications. Then the clerk looked my in the eye and asked if I had anything else I needed to take care of. I made my move. 

Yes, there is one more thing. I found this penny on the ground. I set the penny on the window so the clerk could inspect it. I would like to exchange this damaged penny for a new penny or possibly deposit it into my account. She blushed with embarrassment. "I'm sorry sir. We cannot accept any currency that won't go through the coin sorting machine" the clerk said worthlessly.

Then I asked if there was anywhere else in town that would accept the coin or exchange it? She did not know. Then she asked me if there had anything else I needed taken care of. This was a very polite way of telling me to stop wasting her time. If only she knew wasting time was my profession.

On the way out I saw they were having a members appreciation day. They put out a table of cookies, pastries and small sodas. I may not have been able to solve my coin conundrum but I did pick up two chocolate chip cookies and a tiny sprite, for free.

I thought maybe the Credit Union wouldn't take it because they were a smaller bank. It's possible that Chase Bank would take it. As a bigger bank, they have more resources. 

Things didn't look good at Chase either. There was a big sign right by the teller talking about the national coin shortage and how it could effect coin transactions. 

The teller basically told me the same thing as my credit union. We cannot accept mutilated or damaged coins. I have no idea where you should take it. Is there anything else I can help you with? Maybe finding your way back to the parking lot?

I laughed, The teller laughed, my girlfriend laughed and said I told you so. Even thought I wasn't able to resolve my coin concern I didn't walk away empty handed. I picked up some free trivia pens from my new unofficial sponsor, Chase Bank. 

After being rejected by both my Credit Union and Chase I decided to see what google had to say about who might be able to help. Apparently if you have damaged bills that the bank will not accept, you can send them into to the US Bureau of engraving and printing. If you have damaged coins, you can send them to the US mint for evaluation and replacement. 

This is a free service provided by the government. Unfortunately they do not pay for shipping. So I, the tax payer, would have to fork out the money for postage and an envelope. Then there is a chance they will decide the coin is not worth anything and they won't send back a new penny or it's equivalent melt down value. It also seems that people don't send single coins unless they are collectors items filled with valuable metal.

There is an application process. The US Mint has the right to refuse any returns for any reason. There is a section on bent coins that states it will accept bent coins if the denomination can be determined from the coin. I think mine meets that requirement. They also said that due to the large volume of submissions there could be considerable wait times.

It would be great to know if I was wasting everyone's time or just my own before I sent out my coin. Luckily, the US mint provided an email address: MutilatedCoin@usmint.treas.gov. 

I sent them an email describing the coin and also the picture above entitled bent penny. 

I figured it would take a few business days before the Mint could return my request. Unfortunately during this time I thought it would be funny to make an Instagram reel of me putting the bent penny into a self checkout at the grocery store. I thought the machine would spit it back out but it never returned the coin. I continued filming for a couple of minutes but nothing happened. I considered asking the person running the machines to retrieve the bent coin but there was a chance I had broken the machine with my impulsiveness. I thought it was wiser to skedaddle.

In the end it might be a good thing to be rid of the bent penny. I would have continued to fool around with it until I had wasted a considerable amount of time. Hopefully the US mint isn't too disappointed that I will not be able to send in the damaged coin even if they do approve it for replacement.  

It's still unknown if the bent coin was worth anything. Next time I see one lying there in the road I'll attempt to resist the temptation to bend over and pull it into my life. There are so many other things I need to waste time on. 

Fees

Everywhere I turn there are more fees. The internet was supposed to make things cheaper. Now it's an excuse to tack on anonymous fees. If you don't like it feel free to call the 24 hour customer service where no one will pick up the phone. 

I went to buy movie tickets for the first time since the pandemic. $12 a person now. I don't like that but fine. I selected 2 tickets for the new Dr. Strange movie. I selected the seats. $24 plus tax. Then I see another line that says $3.50 for a convenience fee. WHAT! No. I'm doing literally all the work and now you want me to pay more. This should be cheaper than buying the tickets in person because you don't have an employee who needs to stand there and touch the computer with their greasy finger to get me my wildly over priced ticket. Go to hell. 

I saw a line under the fee that said if I join the Movie Club I can have the fee waived. So you can make more money off my personal information. GFYS. I already have to sit through an hour of previews which are now just commercials, then actual commercials, then product placement during the movie. The theater isn't making enough money off $9 popcorn? They need to get into the selling my personal information business too?

I walked to the theater and purchased the tickets the old fashioned way. On Foot with cash so they couldn't track my spending for their stupid data mining operation. The clerk asked me if I wanted to join the movie club. I declined. My girlfriend asked I wanted to buy us some popcorn. I declined. We could have stayed home and watched the streaming service from the public library for free but even I know that wont qualify as proper date night. 

The movie ticket incident was still burning me the next day so I decided to declare a Jihad on all fees. My next target was Chase bank. They have begun charging me $12 a month for the privilege of using my checking account. When I signed up for the account it was free. Then one day my account was converted from a free checking account to something called the Chase Freedom Checking Account. No one asked me if I wanted to change accounts. Apparently freedom costs $12 a month.

I called the customer service line and navigated the intricate phone tree. There were no options presented to reach a human. I had to look it up on google and found a site called Get to Human which will walk you thought the fastest way to get to a human. In this case press zero or mash your key pad in a blinding rage.

Once the customer service agent was reluctantly brought to my line, I explained that I do not wish to pay $12 a month for my checking account. I would like to switch to a free account like I have at the credit union. I was informed that all the free checking accounts have been eliminated, but there were options for having the fees waved. 

Option 1 was to carry a balance of $5000. If I had $5000 laying around I would pay back my growing credit card debt. The next option was to have a $1500 average monthly balance. Again, still poor. I have other places my money needs to go like rent, car payment and In & Out Burger. Finally I was told if my employer would direct deposit my checks that would also wave the fee. Good thing I'm self employed and get paid by check. 

She then asked me if I needed anything else. Implying nothing could be done about the situation. A bold maneuver until I told her If you can't remove the fees to close my account. I was told WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, hold on a minute, I'll remove the fees for the last 2 months. I was instantly returned $24 dollars of fees. Cementing in my mind that the fees were complete horse shit. At least the movie tickets were paid for. Minus the tax. I will be canceling this account as soon as I pay off my Chase Credit cards. Until them I'll be calling every month to get the fees waived.

When I moved out of my apartment there was a line that said $75 for administration fee. I called to argue and no one picked up the phone. Looks like the administration isn't doing their job so give my back my $75 you dirty jackals. 

All this fee bullshit drives me insane and no one can be bothered. Just the price of doing business? Maybe but I'm still pissed. 

I found a way to make peace with the situation. Every time this happens I get online and write a scathing google review. Sometimes as much as 5 pages or ranting angry nonsense. I know that this will not change anything but it is cathartic. I've currently reviewed every single Chase branch and ATM in town along with all the movie theaters from that chain and my former apartment building 3 times. Try it sometime. It doesn't cost a dime and is certainly much healthier than unloading on some poor customer service agent who couldn't care less anyway. Some of my reviews have received over 5000 views. Businesses have asked my to take them down and I always say I will. For a fee.  

Phone Upgrade?

This whole country is resistant to saving money. Every time I try there are obstacles. Many of which only exist to extract more money or create frustration that will encourage me to pay for future solutions. Companies know that if they add some friction to make it a little bit difficult to save money then people will spend to make the problem go away. 

I am not a typical consumer. I'm not even a typical human. I am willing to expend time and effort to save money. To the point of absurdity. It's a combination of stubbornness and righteous indignation. Often times something could be done cheaper but they aren't which makes me angry. I also have way more time and effort available than money. Often this combination of personality traits leads me into trouble. I do not learn.

I decided it was time to upgrade my phone. My trusty Samsung S7 still works. The issue is that I have been making video comedy sketches for Instagram. The phone overheats quickly while filming. Sometimes the audio gets cut for no reason. I don't mind re-filming scenes or fixing errors when I'm the only person involved. When I invite others I don't want to waste their time with faulty equipment. 

I purchased my S7 on Amazon back in 2019 for $164. New it retailed for $670. So I saved about $500. I used the phone for almost 3 years so I spent the equivalent $4.55 a month. Straight Talk is my phone carrier. I pay $55 a month for unlimited mobile data and also 10 gigs of mobile Hot Spot access. I use my mobile hot spot to get online with my laptop instead of having an internet connection in my apartment. Google keeps emailing me that my apartment is ready to have google fiber installed, I keep telling them I get my entertainment from the Public Library.

After doing research I found the Samsung S10 was at a price point I liked. $240 for a refurbished (used) phone on Amazon v.s. the original retail of $899. This would be a significant upgrade. 128 gig v.s. 32 gig hard drive.  8 gigs v.s. 4 gigs of Ram. The screen is also slightly longer. Most importantly the front and back cameras are much better.

Now I just had to figure out a way to pay for it. Lucky for me I received a $50 Amazon gift card from my mom at Christmas time. I received a $10 amazon gift card from RBCFU Credit Union for being a loyal customer. For my birthday I received another $50 gift card from my mom and a $50 prepaid visa gift card from my girlfriend's niece's mother in law, which I of course converted into $50 Amazon gift card. It only took 4 months but I had accumulated $160 in Amazon credits. 

I then took all the loose change I found by taking walks to the bank and deposited $19.31 into my checking account. I charged the remaining $80 to my credit card with the lowest interest rate. I used the coin money to pay back a portion of this charge right away. I was able to not only receive free shipping but also a free month of Amazon prime which I will cancel in 30 days. The phone arrived in a few days.

I was feeling confident. Cocky even. Everything was going to plan. Pride comes before the fall. 

All I needed now was to take the Sim Card out of my old phone, put it into my new phone and fire it up. I used to work at Verizon so this was something I did multiple times a day. Couldn't be easier. What a fool I was. 

After swapping out the Sim Card I restarted the phone. It was unable to find the mobile carrier network. Multiple attempts later, it was still not working. I would need to log onto my Straight Talk account and input some information to make the swap. No problem. 

It was a huge problem. After combing through pages of account information and searching for advice from the web I attempted to call Straight Talk customer service. After navigating an extensive phone tree designed to break your spirit, I was able to be put in line to speak to a customer service representative. I was number 47 in line and my expected wait time was 2 hours and 10 minutes. Nope, click. It's almost like they don't want to help at all. Almost. 

You'd think the discount carrier would want to retain their customers like any other but they know why you're their customer in the first place. They're the cheapest. Good customer service costs the company money. I was on my own. I worked at a store that sold cell phones and I still couldn't figure it out. I don't know what chance other people would have to get it figured out at this point. 

I was able to contact a "human" through an online chat tech support feature on the website. I explained  I had purchased a new phone and needed to swap out the Sim Cards. They said this was impossible, even though I had done this exact same thing to upgrade my S5 to my S7 through straight talk. The "human" said I would need to buy a new Sim Card. Fine. They were only $0.99. 

I wanted to use my new used phone now. I could order a Sim Card from the Straight Talk website or I could drive to the nearest Walmart and pick one up. They were listed at the same price of $0.99 on Google and I figured I could save on shipping. The price of gas is nearing $4.00 a gallon but it was less than a mile away. 

Most Walmart employees are not exactly knowledgeable about products or helpful in any way. When I arrived in the electronics department a gentleman came right over and walked me to the Straight Talk area. I explained my problem about needing to swap the Sim Cards over, which is slightly technical and he even knew what I was talking about! What kind of magic Walmart had I walked into? 

Unfortunately this Walmart did not sell Sim Cards for $0.99. I could buy a Sim Card that came with an activation plan. Only $55 dollars which would apparently roll into my current plan. I told the gentleman that I was on auto pay. 

Then he asked to see my new phone. I proudly showed him my newly purchased Samsung S10. He complemented me on my shrewd purchase and asked if I had considered switching carriers. He told me I could get AT&T service for $50 dollars a month. This Walmart employee sure seemed to know a lot about phones. That's about the time I got suspicious. 

I looked him over more closely. He had a Samsung lanyard around his neck. He was wearing a black polo and not a blue Walmart polo. He had a nice clean cut appearance with a tasteful watch. This was no Walmart employee, this was a phone salesman working inside a Walmart. 

He then proceeded to tell me I could get a free new phone by switching to AT&T. That I could trade in my old phone and then have two phones. Why in gods name he thinks I would need two phones is beyond me. Oh wait, he needs a commission. He'd sell me 8 phones right not if I let him. 

He started back into his sales pitch for AT&T but I quickly started coughing loudly and walking away as fast as my flip flops would carry me. He began to follow me but I said I was going to order a Sim Card online. 

I arrived home and ordered the $0.99 Sim Card from the Straight Talk website.

I should have looked more carefully because there is no shipping charge. Whoops. They said 3-5 day shipping but then there is a asterisks**. They're having high demand for Sim cards so there could be a delay. 

Best case scenario, a Straight Talk employee saw my order immediately flash across their screen and they jumped up from their computer, ran to the warehouse, scooped up a fresh Sim Card, placed a printed mailing address onto an envelope and rushed off the the post office to get me my $0.99 + $0.08 in sales tax Sim Card as soon as possible. Good thing I had it shipped to my girlfriend's place because my mailbox is still broken.

It's more likely the robots that fill the envelopes have become sentient and are on strike for more humane treatment. If the Sim Card is being shipped from outside the United States I may as well assume it isn't coming.

 In conclusion, I have a new discounted phone that I may or may not be able to use soon. Why doesn't everyone do this? 

What did I learn? Nothing. 

Will I do it again? Yes. 

Is there something wrong with my brain? Yes.

Light bulb goes on.

While driving a car next to me made the signal to roll down my window. They yelled "You have no break lights." I backed up to a window and checked. Sure enough, only the tiny light in the middle was activating. 

My Kia Soul eats light bulbs. It seems like I'm changing a light bulb once a month. The headlights cost almost $100 with parts and labor. Luckily the rear bulbs only cost around $25 to have installed.

I am hesitant to do any car repairs myself. I'm also broke right now because of past car repair bills that are sitting on a couple of credit cards. The idea of dumping more money into a car that pushed me into debt makes me want set things on fire but driving without brake lights is idiotic. Great way to get a ticket. People here already drive aggressively here and having no break lights is an invitation to be rear ended.

How hard is it to change a break light bulb? I had no idea so I turned to YouTube for answers. Turns out it's about the most basic repair one could hope for. The guy in the video swapped them out in about 4 minutes with just a screwdriver. 

After cruising down to Auto Zone, I parked near the three other guys who were working on their vehicles in the parking lot. I figured if I ran into trouble, maybe one of the other amateur mechanics could give me a hand. After identifying the burnt out bulb I removed the entire brake light from the back of the car and pulled out the bulb. 

The clerk in the store looked up the bulb on her computer and took me over to select the correct one. To my untrained eye, they looked a bit different but she assured me it was the correct bulb and would fit. After telling me about how many bulbs I had lost in the last few months, she gave me a packet of bulb grease on the house. Pretty great. Two bulbs for about $7. 

Worked like a charm. It took me about 10 minutes to replace both bulbs after leaving the store. I probably will not attempt any thing more complicated when it comes to repairs in the future but this one worked out. It was simple and satisfying to do it myself. The downside would have been me driving the two bulbs to a shop and having someone install the bulbs so not a huge risk. Either way, crisis averted. 

 

Microphone Stand Innovation.

 I have been hosting an open mic comedy night the last 6 weeks. Part of the deal is that I bring my own microphone and stand. As the host I am paid $50 per event minus any drinks consumed. Usually that brings my take home pay to $35. More of a hobby than a real job but it's still nice to get paid something for the effort. 

The mic goes from 6pm till 2am. Other comics are baffled that I am interested in hosting it at all. For only $50. I view it as a was to gain more exposure and work on my ability to write one liners.

Last week I had a new comic take the stage for the first time. He had a suit case full of musical parts. He said he would be playing a comedic version of the clarinet. Since this was an open mic, I told him to proceed. 

He needed to lower the mic so it would pick up the music. Instead he snapped my microphone stand in half. Whoops. You would think a musician would know how to operate a microphone stand. Maybe that was part of the joke. I was certainly not laughing.

I was a bit pissed off because now the remaining comics would have to set the microphone on a stool. This increased the chances of it falling on the pavement and being damaged too. The offending "comic" said he was sorry he broke the stand and then ran off into the night. 

I had spend $50 to purchase this mic stand at guitar center. I wasn't looking forward to buying another. 

As I picked up the broken pieces my mind began to wander. Maybe it would be better to get a long 2x4 and attach the mic to that for these animals. Unfortunately, that would be a pain to lug around in my tiny car.

Then I considered good old duck tape. The problem there is that the stand would then only be semi functional. Every performer is a different height so I need the stand to remain adjustable. 

When I arrived home I took another look at the broken pieces. I realized that the adjustable arm and the telescoping arm were exactly the same part. I decided that I could dismantle the stand, switch the broken arm for the other arm and then remove a few excess parts. Then the telescoping function would still work.  

After about an hour of tinkering I reassembled my new and improved microphone stand. Lighter, simpler and at no additional financial cost. It has all the functions I need for open mic comedy. Now if the participants would just write some jokes we could have a great show.

I am very proud of my Microphone stand innovation. So proud that I created a meme to commemorate the event. It feels good to figure things out. Saving money is also a nice bonus. I'll test it out at the open mic this week and we'll see what happens. If it breaks again I'll try something else. Either way it was a fun project.

 

Discount Transport.

My check engine light began blinking. Google said that is very bad. Took my car in for a $1,150 repair of the catalytic converter and rear O2 sensor. The car is still in the shop. 

That same night I wanted to go perform stand up comedy at two different open mics. The first one I had signed up for in advance. The cost of a ride share was around $30. After spending all that money on another repair I didn't like that idea. 

Why not take the bus? I literally had all day. There are 4 bus stops a three minute walk from my apartment because I live in a classy part of town. The cost is only $1.25.

I google mapped out a route. Three minute walk to the #3 line. Then a one and a half hour ride north followed by a 4 minute walk to the bar. Same bus the entire time. Seemed almost too easy. 

Inside my backpack I placed some essentials. Two books, note pad for jokes, a pen, thermos of water, thermos of coffee, phone charger, iPod. It was also getting cold so I packed a hat, gloves and neck warmer. I put on my new vest and hiking shoes and departed for comedy glory. 

As I was walking to the bus stop I saw the #3 bus pulling through the intersection. Missed it by about 2 minutes. No matter. Another would be by in 30 minutes. I contemplated returning to my apartment to wait but decided to stand at the stop and watch the cars go by. I had a Vaporwave music mix called "Downtown Sparkles" playing so I was in a good mood. 

The bus arrived and I put my 5 quarters into the slot. Social distancing was in effect on the bus so everyone had to wear a mask. Half the seats were blocked off and everyone sat as far apart as possible. I pulled out my book and started reading. It was about 4:30pm and the mic stared at 6:30pm. 

We were nearing my destination so I pulled the cord. I missed my stop somehow. The bus driver was trying to tell me how to get back to where I needed to go on a different bus but I was too pissed off to listen. The mic started in 30 minutes and I didn't want to be late. 

I whipped out my trusty google map. I was 1.6 miles away by foot. Estimated time, 28 minutes. I started walking briskly in the direction of the bar.

Made it with 5 minutes to spare. Guess I'm a fast walker. It was nice to take a break and wait for my set. Since I saved so much money on the bus ride I thought I'd treat myself to a beer. 

I asked my friend Patrick who was also the host if I could make a special announcement. If anyone was going to the Lucky Duck open mic after this I would love to catch a ride since I came on the bus. He laughed because he thought I was telling him a joke. Then he laughed harder when he found out it was the truth. "You never tell jokes," he said "you just talk about funny things that actually happen to you." How true. 

I did my comedy set which went well. At the end I asked the crowd if anyone was heading to the next mic and I could catch a ride. My friend Spencer volunteered right away. 

We had a nice chat about comedy on the way over and he gave me a few suggestions on how I could tighten up my act. I got a lot out of our conversation. It can be hard to give people honest feedback about their performance and it was pleasant to have a conversion with a comedy colleague about technique. 

The list at the second mic was long. 60 some comics had signed up for 3 minute sets. The show started at 8pm and I was up near the end, around midnight. 

This presented a problem. The bus stops running around midnight which is about the time I would be performing. I was closer to my apartment then the other mic but it was still far. After mapping it out it was about a 7.6 mile walk which would take about 2.5 hours.

Again, I had options. I could ask for another ride. I could get hail a ride share. I thought I'll see how I felt when my second set was over. 

My set went well. I had fun and got off the stage. By this time the bar had pretty much emptied out. I didn't want to ask for a ride from someone I didn't know. Maybe it was the beer. Maybe I was still mad about my broken car. Maybe I'm just an idiot. 

I decided to walk back.  

It was midnight when I left the bar. I started walking. I arrived back at my place around 2:45 am. I am pretty sore today. 

I had plenty of time to reflect on my behavior during that walk. Why don't I like to ask for help? It would have been a minor inconvenience to just ask one of the other comics for a ride. I decided to suffer needlessly instead. Why? To punish myself? I can't figure it out. 

I rely on my car so much. Every time it breaks I feel like a huge failure. It puts my ability to earn money in jeopardy and threatens my feeling of usefulness. It really gets me. Being in debt bothers me too. Just when I think I'm on top of it I get another large car repair bill. They are connected since the delivery job is causing me to go into debt and ruin my car.

Why can't I walk away from my delivery job? It has put me into debt. I don't make much money. The IRS is after me for irregularities in my income. I know the job is dumb but I keep doing it. It doesn't serve me. It gave me the illusion of freedom in the beginning but now I am going to be a slave to my debt for a while. More deliveries will just bring on more debt. My life would be so much easier if I went out and found a traditional job but something is holding me back. What?

Maybe another long walk is needed before I can figure it out and make a change.

Free Trial Trap.

The free trial is an insidious business practice. Try us for a month free with no obligation. Be sure to read the fine print. These agreements usually come with an auto renew "feature". 

A friend of mine sent me a groupon offer. One year of Mad Magazine for $5. Cheap. Sign me up. Then I  looked through the fine print. They want $1 as a processing fee. Fine. Now it's $6 a year. Still a steal. 

What they don't make obvious is that you also signed up for an auto renewal of your subscription at full price. Which starts in October. 8 months into the subscription. No normal person is thinking about renewing their subscription 2/3rds of the way into it. That's how they get you.

I am offered a free subscription to Amazon prime every 4 or 5 months. Free shipping is the best. It also auto subscribes to prime at the end of your trial period. How convenient, for Amazon. That's how they get you. 

I signed up for a Chase United Explorer credit card. They gave me a two free flights and the first year with no fees. Then they want $95 a year to keep the card open. I don't use the card anymore but I don't want to cancel it because that will effect my credit score. That's how they get you. 

All these transactions have one thing in common. They prey on natural human laziness. They give you something free and then collect their payment later when you aren't paying attention. Even if people can remember they need to cancel it they may not know how or have the energy to do so.   

I have a simple system to get the free stuff and not pay in the end. The moment I sign up for a free trial I pull up my google calendar and make a note to cancel the service.

Once you get into this habit it becomes easy. Just today I received a notification, "cancel credit card". I remembered the bitter feeling I experienced when I paid the $95 fee that credit card around this time last year. I made a note on my calendar which I acted on today.

It was easy to have the fee removed. I called the number on the back of the card and told them I needed them to either remove the fee or cancel the card. The customer service agent was happy to switch my card to another no fee card with the same credit limit as before. Saving me $95 a year and preserving my current credit ratio. 

This also moves the worry about remembering out of your mind. This part of my memory is now automated. Let your phone worry about it for you. I'll get a notification to cancel my Mad Magazine subscription in October. Thanks google.

The things that are easy to to are easy not to do. With this system you can have all the advantages up front and not pay later unless you want to, not because you forgot.