Free Quarters

Lately I have rediscovered the joys of regular exercise. I have made this a regular habit in the last few months, cruising up to Planet Fitness 3-4 times a week. This is by far the cheapest workout gym option in the area at $10 a month. I like that they are open 24 hours a day because even though I have no interest in working out at 2:30 in the morning, knowing they are always open removes one more excuse for not going to work out.  

Adjacent to Planet Fitness is an Aldi discount grocery store. They have a nice selection at low prices which attracts fiscally conservative types. The Aldi corporation is owned by a large German conglomerate and in stereotypical German fashion, they pass on the savings by making everything ruthlessly efficient. Unlike every other grocery store I have been in, employees are constantly on task and working as fast as possible. There are no bags provided. There is no public bathroom. All the items are placed in the most convenient locations to reduce dawdling. I can do a weeks worth of grocery shopping at an Aldi and have everything loaded in my car in about 10 minutes where as the local Walmart takes FOREVER to get anything done.

Aldi is so efficient that they cannot afford to waste any of their employees precious time. Other grocery stores are forced to employ a shopping cart wrangler to return the shopping carts to the store. At Aldi they came up with a simple elegant solution. They make the customers pay to use a shopping cart. Each shopping cart is locked to the next in a row with a little chain. The only way to release the cart is to insert a quarter. When you are done shopping you return your cart to the line in the store which will then release your quarter.

Is a quarter enough incentive to get the shopping carts back into the store? You bet. The type of people who shop at a discount grocery store generally will not leave that quarter behind. When they do, that is when I make my move.

As a willing participant in our new gig economy I become an extremely temporary employee of the Aldi corporation every time I go to the gym. When I drive up for a workout I diligently scan the parking lot for carts that have been left behind. If I see a stray cart I park next to it, grab my workout gear and push the cart into the Aldi on my way into the gym. By returning the cart I can claim the quarter left behind by the previous user netting my 100% profit. I repeat this process after my workout, doubling my potential income from each trip. Yesterday I put my small collection of quarters together took a trip to the do it yourself car wash. Thanks Aldi.     

Innovations in modern saving

In an effort to defend my wallet from all threats, foreign and domestic, I am constantly on the lookout for better saving techniques. Instead of simply taking the verbal and psychological abuse from every cash bandit who comes along I have been cultivating methods of turning the situation around. Like a seasoned stand up comedian dealing with hecklers, there are ways to embarrass the very people who have just attempted to force your spending.

Bullying has received a inordinate amount of attention recently. Many Americans, especially young Americans have been conditioned to fight bulling in all its forms. Anyone can become the victim of bulling. There are plenty of fancy buzz words increasing the feeling of importance for those who wield them. Moral crusaders will gladly take up any cause if there is even a whiff of bulling taking place.  

Then I had an epiphany.

I can use these same buzz words to manufacture feelings of outrage during social situations. Even strangers will come to my aid if they are led to believe that a form of bulling is taking place.

This method is state of the art. I call it wallet shaming.

place yourself in a situation where you are with a group of friends and a sales person is attempting to sell something you do not want. Naturally they will attempt to take advantage of social proof and imply subtly to your group that you cannot afford whatever item is in question. You may feel pressure to make a purchase to protect your reputation. Resist this urge!

Instead, in a loud firm indignant voice say, "Are you trying to wallet shame me right now? Because I will not stand for it!" Congratulations. With this sentence you have labeled yourself a victim of bulling. Now watch as everyone within ear shot will jump at the chance to ridicule this hapless sales person. Not only will they not attempt to sell you anything further, it is likely no one else in the store will wish to purchase anything from a "bully".

The bystanders don't even need to know the situation. They will react forcefully simply because having an excuse to express righteous indigence is fun. Everyone enjoys feeling that they have the moral high ground and this gives them a perfect opportunity.

Pabst Blue Ribbon Citron

I ventured into my local tap house Saturday night and was impressed with the selection. Micro brewery's are all the rage now and everyone is trying to claim that they were a hop head way before it was cool. Now that the average drinker is pretending to have an interest in locally sourced hand crafted whatever, prices have inevitably risen.

Labatt Blue is my preferred beer. This regional delicacy is cheap, tastes good and the can is always as cold as the Canadian Rockies. That last part might not be true but it sure feels that way.

After scanning the extensive beer menu it dawned on me that the average drink was going to run $7 per pint. Before I surrendered to this extortion I scanned the menu one more time and discovered my salvation. A Crisp Pabst Blue Ribbon could be mine for only 3 american dollars. I though I had gained the upper hand until my drink arrived.

The other drinks were poured into artisan glasses specifically designed to enhance the drinking experience and induce in the drinker a unique feeling that what they were about to imbibe was very special. My drink came in a Mason Jar. Like Hester Prynne, I was being publicly shamed for my drink selection. Our server set my drink down with a smug look of satisfaction.

Defeated, I sipped my beer in silence until inspiration struck. I flagged down the server and said "Summer is just around the corner, could I get an orange for my drink?" In that instant Pabst Blue Ribbon Citron was born. Apparently adding an orange to your drink really classes it up as I had three different people ask me about my distinctive beverage. With all the seriousness I could muster, I told them it was just a little something I had ordered off menu. Keeping it Classy.

Khaki Kaper

Recently I started a new job. While there is no formal dress code certain styles of dress are encouraged. I was issued a couple of work shirts but beyond that I have been left to decide for myself what business casual means. Abstaining from providing official standards is clever since they can instantly declare anything inappropriate and more importantly, they do not feel compelled to buy me some work pants.

I am a large man. Shopping for clothing that fits properly can be a challenge. When I do find something halfway decent looking that fits well I buy every color available. For shirts I usually need a 3X or 4X depending on the brand and pants need to be between 40x30 and 44x30 depending on the brand. This makes some what less enjoyable that it could be.

My first stop was Kohls. They have an extensive Big and Tall section. I found a nice pair of dockers that looked like they would fit. Then I turned over the price tag. $75 a pair for work pants? Nope.

Then I headed over to Kmart. They had a buy one get one half off deal on all types of pants to clear them out for summer. I found a couple of sharp looking slacks and proceeded to the dressing room. They fit nicely around the waist but they were really baggy in the legs and butt. Not quite parachute pants but not exactly flattering. The price sure was sexy, $12 for the first pair and $6 for the second. I was tempted but decided to look elsewhere.

All the shopping stressed me out. I decided to go home, take a nap and regroup.

My last resort was T.J. Max. I was not optimistic about finding anything but against my better judgement I went. To my utter amazement there were two pair of nice dockers there were 42x30. They were a little tight but much better than the pants at Kmart. Each pair was $16.99. Not bad.

Once I reached the register the cashier's vapid stare caused me to really appreciate my new job. The look on her face was a combination of extreme apathy and loathing. Truly a master customer service representative. She scanned my order with a frown. I told her that if she kept making that face it might stick. She was not amused.

While walking to my car I looked at my receipt. She had not realized that I had two pair and only charged me for one. What a deal!

 

Double Vision.

 

Music

One day humanity decided that music would be free. Not that anyone voted, it just became incredibly easy to steal share once everything became digital. Companies have tried to turn a profit from streaming content but once the "everything online is free" mentality took hold there was no putting that particular jeannie back in the bottle. Phone apps are also facing this grim reality.

As one of my income trickles, I host local trivia games. Part of my responsibility beyond reading the questions and indulging myself in some adult beverages is to select music that will accompany each question. I take pride in selecting an appropriate song that adds a certain subtle elegance to the proceedings. Proper song selection requires an extensive music library. Since I have been allotted a budget of zero dollars to purchase music by my company, I have been forced to turn to alternative sources.    

Early on in my trivia days I would simply fire up my trusty torrent client and pick out whatever I wanted from The Pirate Bay. My roommate eventually received a stern letter from Comcast which ended this particular music bonanza. Then I turned to playing music directly off youtube. This worked out for a while but as the number of adds has increased it has become much more difficult to run a show in this manner. Finally I came upon a solution which even claims to be legal. Bonus!

   http://convert2mp3.net/en/index.php

With this link, any video on youtube can be converted into an MP3 music file. There are other services out there that do the same thing but this is the one that has worked. Now when I need that special song that perfectly pairs with a question about flatulence, I have it in just a few clicks. That frees me up to craft a perfectly tasteful joke or just day dream about my future Ex-wife and what percentage of my Mad Magazine collection she will demand in our divorce settlement. 

Eating out

Going out to eat can easily put me in a bad mood. I derive abundant personal satisfaction from cooking the majority of my meals but occasionally I am coerced into visiting a restaurant. Fast causal is a compromise I prefer because the food is usually reasonably priced and the staff is paid an hourly wage so they are not expecting a tip.

When I reluctantly enter any restaurant my plan is to attempt to spend no more than $10. To my dismay, that dream is usually utter fantasy.  The servers see me coming a mile away. They have dark, devious ways of dealing with Mr. cheapskate that involve social pressure, public shaming or negative body language as a way to embarrass me into spending more. Little do they know that they are dealing with a seasoned master of the frugal arts and sciences.

The rules of the game are simple. The server wants to maximize the bill to ensure a greater tip and I want to spend $10. We proceed to engage in a delicate dance of cunning. In the opening gambit our server will ask about drinks and appetizers. I quickly reveal my hand by ordering a water. Usually the server will counter with a statement that they will bring waters around for everyone but still wants to know what I would like to drink. This is clever, for if the other members of my party order drinks it is made to seem that everyone is getting something and become the odd man out. The implications is that I cannot afford a drink. Hence there is strong social pressure to appear at least as affluent as the other diners.

Next up is the main course. The server has my number at this point and will try to shame me further by taking everyone's order with great enthusiasm and then quietly asking me if I would like to order something off the kids menu. This attempted emasculation is an effective way to force the hand of many patrons. I resist and order a sandwich or burger off the big boys menu.

Finally it is time to pay the bill. Unless the server used a racial slur or farted directly on my food while I was watching, it's pretty hard to escape leaving a tip. I took a trip to Thailand last winter and it was wonderful because there they do not expect a tip. I tried not tipping at restaurants here in America for about a month but I eventually caved in to our cultural norms. Now my objective is to leave a tip that just large enough that the server is not insulted. Since I have greatly reduced their expectations throughout the meal, I find that $2 is the magic number.

This is about how it goes every time I eat out. The entire experience leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Savoring the flavor of savings tends to lift my mood and could be the main reason why I take such joy in cooking for myself. 

Lunch money

At age 14 I obtained a summer job working for a grocery store. Mostly it was mind numbing tedium but having a little money to spend on illegal fireworks was pleasant. I pretty much screwed around and did menial work that older employees were too cool for. Oddly, they were very strict about us taking proper lunch breaks. Possibly they were worried about violating child labor again so we were forced to take an hour lunch break every day. I would have preferred to work straight through and leave an hour earlier but they were not amenable to that idea.

During this hour I would ride my bike over to a local sandwich shop since I did not have enough time to go home for lunch . They sold gigantic subs with a drink for about 10 dollars. It quickly became a midday tradition and my sandwich expenses started piling up. I started to figure out that a large portion of my pay was going right into that sandwich shop each day. At that time I was making $5.15 an hour. After taxes we will call that $4.50 just to make it easier to calculate. After working 25 hours a week I would bring home $112.5 per week. The problem was, I was working 4 days a week which meant taking 4 mandatory lunch breaks at $10 each. That's $40 a week or 36% of my weekly income.

My lunch expense is a slightly smaller portion of my income today but the lesson has always stuck with me. Now I bring my lunch in almost everyday. I have found that the best strategy is to cook up a couple large batches of something you really like on Sunday night and then store it in Tupperware containers. I especially like kielbasa and sauerkraut since it makes my farts quite a bit louder. That way when you are in a rush to get out the door in the morning you have something appealing to grab. Don't worry about napkins, you can wipe your face with all the 100 dollar bills you didn't spend on Taco Bell.