Free Shipping

Everything can be found cheaper online. Free shipping makes it even sweeter. Every time I make a purchase and check out on Amazon they always dangle the offer of free shipping. All you have to do is sign up for a free one month trial of Amazon Prime.

The good people at Amazon know how a subscription model works. They know that a regular Amazon user would love to get a package delivered in 2 days for free. They know it allows customers free streaming video content. They know that most people don't check their credit card statements. After using Prime for a month, who would want to return to the dark ages of waiting 5 days for a Hawaiian shirt to arrive?

At only $12.99 a month, it pays for itself every time you order a 10 gallon jar of spicy pickles since the shipping is free. I might as well do all my shopping on Amazon. They can just push ready made sandwiches through the mail slot so I'll never have to leave the house again. It is a smart business plan. Now every new purchase has to pass the, "can I get it cheaper on Amazon" test.

Instead of conditioning myself to buy everything on Amazon for the rest of my life, I created a money saving scheme for the modern age. It would require a certain level of cunning and discipline but like it says in the good book, the frugal shall reap the savings. 

I have been keeping a list of some things that I need/want to buy for the last few months. Shirts, computer parts, trivia components, books. These items are all much cheaper on Amazon. After placing my first order I signed up for Amazon Prime. After which I noted the date and pulled out my digital calendar. I marked a day a little less than one month from now as "Cancel Amazon prime day". There is no obligation so I will not be charged for the service if I can remain committed to canceling before the end of my month.

I live in Austin so some of the items have arrived the day after I ordered them. It truly is a modern marvel. The funny thing is I have played this little One free month of prime game a couple of times now and they just keep offering it a couple months later. That gives me enough time to build up another list of essentials. They must think they can erode my resolve if I continue to utilize the service. That may work for the majority of their customers but they have rarely tangled with someone who would wear the same underwear for the rest of his life if they would only stop falling apart. 

Free pen taboo

Each week I host live trivia games at local bars and restaurants. Putting on each show is marginally inexpensive since I have already paid for my laptop, speakers, mic and all the other equipment needed to put on a show. My recurring costs are player score sheets, betting slips and pens. To cut costs, my brother and I bought a printer at Walmart for $50 and I can now print off all the paperwork needed.

Pens are the only remaining issue. Each week I put out pens for the players. I put out between 15 and 30 pens depending on how many I have on hand. No matter what number I put out, at least 75% disappear into another dimension and are never seen again. A pack of pens at the dollar store costs $1.06 with tax and I need at least 2.5 packs for each show. This also means that I have to make a special trip to the dollar store every week or so. In the grand scheme this seems like a minor problem but I have multiple shows each week so it is one I would still like to eliminate.

I have attempted to collect the pens after a show but end up with only a few chewed up tubes that no longer resemble writing utensils. I think that the players are getting so excited that they unconsciously need something to to gnaw on. It is also possible that they do not want to miss one second of trivia and put the pens in their mouths to delay a much needed smoke break. Either way the recovery strategy has been a futile effort.

Lots of businesses give away free pens to customers to promote their businesses. Ideally they would like each customer to take one, and only one. They do not want some industrious trivia host walking off with 40 pens after each visit. Driving all over town and getting one free pen from a bunch of businesses would not be time effective or cost effective since I would have to pay my own gas. Just walking into a business and taking a free pen without making a purchase is something you might do once. Over time even the most inept employees will catch on and ask you to stop taking those pens.

The ideal free pen scenario would be a place I already frequent where I would not have to buy anything and I also have a reason to be there so as not to arouse suspicion of vigilant employees. Initially I considered my bank as a possible source but all their pens are chained to the teller stations. Plus I do most of my banking online or at an ATM so I do not frequent the bank enough to fulfill my needs.

Planet Fitness to the rescue again. In the front by the check in station there is a lounge area. There are tables and each one is loaded with at least 50 pens. I have been sticking to a brutal 4-5 weekly visit workout regime. Each time on my way out I grab four pens. They have a staff that constantly rotates shift times so no one has caught on yet and I'm sure that these highly motivated drones could not care less. This also has the added benefit that when I pass them out I tell the players that I only grab one pen on each visit, increasing their belief that I go to the gym a lot. They write in purple but no one seems to mind.

Now I am able to spend that Pen gathering time more effectively on engineering superior puns for my upcoming games. This system is much more dependable than carrying around a bunch of broken pencils, because broken pencils are pointless.        

Clif Bar on the cheap.

It was 3:00 pm and I had a dilemma. I wanted to go the the gym but I was also hungry. Some food needed to go into my body, and something small since it was too early to eat dinner. There is a odd little convenience store across from the Twin Oaks library that sells snacks. After looking around I selected a peanut butter Clif bar and placed it on the counter. Out came my debit card. Before I could open the package and jam the snack in my mouth, the clerk informed me that there was a $5 minimum on all debit card purchases. I almost never carry cash and the thought of spending an additional $3.50 was not appealing. I left without my precious snack.

Down the road there was a Shell gas station. Surely a corporate behemoth the size of Shell would not quibble over a minimum purchase. I placed an identical peanut butter Clif bar on the counter. The clerk was on his phone and could not have cared less. Mission Accomplished, or so I thought. Clif bars cost $2.50 at Shell. It was enough to give me heart burn. Since I was approaching an extreme state of "hanrginess", I paid the absorbent markup and left crestfallen. There had to be a better way. One that would eliminate the bitter taste of price gouging from my mouth.

The wheels in my brain started turning. How hard would it be to make something like a Clif bar at home? After a little research I found out that it really easy. Get on google and type in "DIY Clif Bar". There are thousands of recipes for every type of diet. Want to make a batch of no bake, vegan, gluten free, free range, no preservative, paleo, freegan bars? Someone out there is making a batch right now and cannot wait to tell you all about it.

My criteria were as follows. They needed to be cheap and easy to make. Should be reasonably healthy. Easy to transport so I can keep them in my car. After looking over a few ideas I drove to the local grocery store and bought my ingredients. I used the basic principle that the things I already like to eat would make a good bar. Pretty basic stuff. All the ingredients together cost $8.50.

         
I took all this stuff and mixed it in a bowl. Then I greased up a cookie sheet and poured the mixture onto it. Various recipes recommended that I form a brick by pressing down on the top and sides with a cutting board. I cooked this brick at 325° for 30 minutes. When it was done I put it in the refrigerator to harden a bit. Then I cut the brick into squares. This made 16 Clif sized bars  in two batches which came in at $0.54 per bar. I am going to continue to tweak the recipe but I was very pleased with the results. So is my wallet.

   

  

Tiny towels.

The laundry is like the mail, it just keeps coming. Lucky for me, I only have my own clothes to worry about. I can imagine the washing machine of a small family would have to run day and night. Until someone invents an inexpensive household laundry washing robot that can hang my shirts, I'm probably going to be doing my own laundry for the foreseeable future.

When I was in Thailand on vacation a few years ago I had no idea that it would be a clean laundry paradise. For around $1.50 or 50 bhat I could drop off a bag of laundry at a local black market laundromat. It would be available for pick up the next morning. It was nicely folded and smelled great. Talk about luxury, I truly felt like a prince. If it was that cheap to have my laundry here in America I would never do it myself again. Sadly that is not the case. Did I have any guarantees that I would ever see my clothes again after dropping them off? I did not, but that is what made it exciting. 

I do my laundry every three days. It adds up quickly. I exercise every other day which produces a steady inventory of sweaty gym clothes that I do not want to leave unwashed for too long. I am constantly sweating just walking around in the growing Texas heat so I often change into a dry shirt in the afternoon. I have a mesh bag that I use to hold all the dirty clothes so I can easily see when it is time to do a load.

The problem comes in when I have more than one load to do at a time.

We have a laundry facility in our building that is inexpensive. $1 to wash and $1 to dry. Let us say I have enough laundry that it really will not fit into one load. I would have to spend another $1 to get this partial load cleaned. The dryers are bigger than the washers so I could combine the separate groups into one. On the surface this seems like no big deal but it adds up. That is $3 extra a week and $156 a year. I could just jam the excess clothing into a single load but I am not sure everything would get clean. There are also cameras in the facility so if the machine was to break from overfilling, I would become a prime suspect. Although unlikely, I could be held financially liable which would erase any gains from the overstuffed strategy. I could also just hold back a small portion of laundry for the next wash but then I might end up doing laundry more frequently which would also increase the expense and time commitment.

Then it hit like a chilled pint glass of Sailor Jerry spiced rum. Each time I work out, I need to bring my own towel. In order to keep costs low, Planet Fitness does not provide towels. I was formally bringing in these huge beach towels which I had to wash constantly. I estimated that the two towels alone were taking up about 30% of the space of each load of laundry. Initially I thought about just not bringing a towel at all and just air drying myself. I tried it once but it just took too long. I also felt odd just standing around waiting to dry.

After much brainstorming, research, consultation and consideration an idea formed. I proceeded to my local Walmart (I always buy local) and bought two crisp thin new towels for $6 + tax. These towels were at least a forth of the weight and still long enough to wrap around my waist. I can finally fit all my laundry into a single load. Crisis Averted.

Now I just need to figure out what I am going to do with that theoretical extra $150 each year. Just like the laundry, the problems keep coming. Hopefully I can retain my steady stream of innovative solutions for these pressing issues.

 Someday.

Cheap sunglasses

There is nothing like enjoying a bright sunny day. Texas is blessed with an abundance of sunshine which is nice until you misplace your sunglasses. Taking off my prescription eye glasses and dawning a pair of sunglasses is fine unless I want to drive, play Frisbee golf, look out the window, try and cross a road or basically do anything outside. This was not such a problem in the northern climate where I am from since it was not quite so bright out.

Lucky for me, top scientists have created transition lenses that tint based on the amount of light they are exposed to. This my not seem all that cutting edge to anyone who is accustomed to wearing glasses but I have only started wearing them in the last few years. Science! I decided that I needed to purchase a pair of these glasses. It seems easier then having to carry around multiple pairs of eye wear and even if I did want to do that, no one looks good sporting a fanny pack.

My original prescription glasses cost around $270. I had heard a rumor that people were shopping for things on the internet now. While most fashion conscious individuals and rational humans would never dream of buying something that would be sitting on their face for years site unseen, I found out that I can if the price is right. Who am I trying to impress anyway?

I called up the Sam's Club where I took my last eye test. The clerk told me that my prescription had expired but was happy to give me the specs of my current glasses. Armed with this information I fired up my laptop at the public library and began my quest. I searched "Cheap transition lenses recommendations" and found a review of various reputable vendors.

After reading a few reviews I decided to go with www.39dollarglasses.com. As you might imagine, on the site you can choose from a wide range of frames that are all $39. I picked a nice black rimmed frame called "the scholar". Part of my motivation for picking this style is that I find them attractive on all women who wear them. Therefore I deduced that I would attract women who would see me wearing them and feel that we have something in common. Hope springs eternal.

The frames were $39 as promised but then I had to add the transition lens feature. That cost an additional $60. I signed up for their promotional news letter and received a $10 off product code for my order. I proceeded to the digital check out clicked free shipping and put in my credit card. My order was going to be $109 after the tax. I looked all over and could not find a place to put in my product code. I went back to the beginning and found it. As I clicked through my order, the free shipping had been raised to $4.95. This had to be a glitch so I called customer support.

A pleasant woman with a New York accent picked up and listened intently to my problem. She informed me that once the price of an order falls below $100 the customer looses the free shipping benefit. I argued that the intent of the product code was to grant a new customer $10, not cancel their free shipping. I asked if she could do anything about this but she was firm about their policy. I explained that this made me unhappy and I was thinking of placing my order with another company if they could not work something out.

At the conclusion of that constructive conversation I picked the next company on my list, www.eyebuydirect.com. I'm glad I did. After searching through their offerings, I found a similar pair of frames for $9. Once I added all the other features my order came out to around $70 which included shipping. As I clicked through my order I came to the discount code section. I wondered if I could just look up a product code on the internet. Turns out you can. The site www.retailmenot.com has huge lists of product codes. I found one for eye buy direct for 20% off and free shipping. Seemed to good to be true but it worked like a charm. My total order dropped to $53 with free shipping. I was happier than a flower salesman on valentines day.

The true cost of these sweet new spectacles should also include the 5 hours I spent fooling around and the internet and the frustration that comes with dealing with customer service. With that in mind I still obtained a great deal and if I end up with a sexy new girlfriend that will be ok too. 

5 days later.

Phone problem

Having a mobile phone is a necessary evil. Try telling a potential employer or romantic partner that you do not have a phone. They will either assume you are lying, Neo-Amish or the Unabomber. None of those possibilities come off as appealing.

I used to work at a phone company whose name rhymes with horizon, so I know how easy it is to have a monthly phone bill balloon out of control. When I worked there I was put on an employee discount plan that was very reasonable. For $32 per month I had 2 gigs of high speed data with unlimited talk and text. I also had Wifi at my apartment provided by my landlord and at work so I never used all my data in a month. 

Those were the good old days. Now I have moved to an apartment where there is no free WiFi. I consistently burn through my data in about 14 days and have to rely on a slower connection speed for half of each month. Recently my phone company sent me an email informing me that I need to update my employee credentials to continue enjoying my reduced price plan. That might be hard since I have not worked there in over 6 months. Once they have discovered this my plan will increase to $60 per month for the same service. They might as well take my blood.

I could regress to a flip phone which would be substantially cheaper. I found one at Walmart for $15 and could get a plan with Tracfone for only $9.95 per month. When I left Walmart I saw a pack of stray pigeons eating some bread crumbs and wondered about the practicality of breeding and training a pack of carrier pigeons to replace my phone. It might be cheaper since I would only have to pay for stale bread and could make my own cages out of junk people put up on the free section of Craigslist. After consulting the internet I discovered that only certain breeds of pigeons are capable of working as carrier pigeons. They can also only deliver to places that they have been trained to deliver to. I also looked into a WiFi only plan but after reading about it the pigeons seemed more practical.

Then I thought, what if I adopted a lifestyle where I would never need to communicate with anyone. There are plenty of Buddhist monks, hobos, carnival workers and incarcerated felons who get along just fine without a dedicated communication device. Although I suppose the monks can utilize the astral plane for basic messages. Hobos have coded messages carved into fence posts. Carnival workers can deliver messages face to face when the carnival returns to town. Felons have their visiting friends and family smuggle out important messages on or inside their person. I came to the conclusion that the need to communicate is just part of the human condition and I might as well make the best of it.         

After a few false starts some other half baked ideas I bought a plan with straight talk. For $44 per month I get 4 gigs of data and unlimited talk and text. Crisis averted. Besides that I can eat all that stale bread I collected myself which will cut down on this weeks grocery bill. Now I just need to have one of my neighbors give me their WiFi password and I'll really be in the catbird seat.

         

Bicycle

To support my on going effort to get in shape and feel great, I went out in search of a bicycle. My brother had recently purchased one from a fellow on Craigslist for the princely sum of $100. I thought I could get a better deal. Although I did find a bike that costs quite a bit less I did not end up getting a good value.

After driving around town for half a day ($10 in gas) to various flea markets, pawnshops, bike shops, and swap meets I found a nice mountain bike at play it again sports for $40 plus tax. I was initially skeptical because it was much cheaper than the other bikes. I asked the sales person and he assured me that their bike guy had given it a vigorous inspection and proclaimed it fit for sale. The bike looked clean and had a nice padded seat which I felt would be vital since I have not owned a bike for 10 or so years. The frame was also a little small too but the idea of getting a great deal clouded my judgement.

A couple of nights ago I became ambitious. Why drive my car to the gym when I could ride my bike? Exercise was the whole point right? I put my favorite bright red shorts on and started on my way. I work out at planet fitness which is only about 2 miles from my apartment. About half way I decided to change gears and the chain decided to snap off. I do not mean that the chain came off the gear, I mean one of the links snapped and the entire chain fell on the ground. I had left my phone at home so I walked the remaining mile, worked out and then walked home. My brother drove back with me later that night to pick it up.

The next day I returned to Play it again sports to see if they could/would fix it. When I asked the new sales person to have their bike mechanic take a look at it he told me they do not employ a bike mechanic. They put the bikes out in the same condition they arrive in, counter to what the other sales person had told me before purchase. Fair enough, then I asked what he could do for me. He advised me to check the bike repair shop across the highway and bid me good day by walking into the back.

The bike shop said they could make the necessary repairs for $58. This included a tune up, fixing the brakes, chain repair, and putting the derailer back into position. I told him the entire bike was only $43 and after a bit of negotiation bought the bare bones repair package for $32. I had thoughts of just donating the bike to the shop and cutting my losses but it was psychologically hard to admit I might not have obtained as good a deal as I thought.

When it breaks agin I'll be sure to leave it by the side of the road instead of going through all the trouble of getting it fixed again.

 Too good to be true = deep searing pain in the ass.